"Little by Little" is my new mantra. Everytime I feel uneasy, I would say these words while clasping my heart.It makes me feel quite okay. It reminds me that "time" really takes time. I should never expect that the pain will just be gone over night. But I am getting better gradually. I am better than yesterday.
And there goes my night time cries for a week. I was so afraid of this day that I thought crying in advance would somehow lessen the pain. It didn't until yestermorning. I woke up, I could barely stand straight.I cannot fully shift my weight to my right foot.
Since I have a meeting with my philam agent, I managed to go to Makati. My agent is around 55 years old with a very motherly aura. When she asked if Im okay, I told her I wasn't. We talked for about 2 hours. She made me feel alright.She encouraged me to pray more and to ask God to take away the pain so I can start over again.
Back home, after crossng 1 underpass and 1 overpass, I was twisting in pain. My foor really hurts. I tried cold compress plus mefenamic tablet but those did not make me feel better.
Night time was more difficult. I barely slept. I was wide awake from 2 am until 6 am, then I realized that today's the day you are leaving. Today, my pain meter will reach the most dreadful 10 rating! I sent a text message to say my good bye. You replied "be safe, take care. Bye for now." My foot was throbbing and so was my heart that I could no longer distinguish what am I crying for.
I was rushed to emergency room and was injected with steroid. When I was released from the hospital after 2 hours, I made this mistake of checking facebook in my sister's phone. I saw your post which is something like "All my bags packed". Another bomb dropped to my heart. Betrayal, anger, hurt, rejection, self pity and other emotions I have never known just kept on exploding inside. The pain lasted for 1 hour.
This is it. My painscale of 10. Someone told me to look at the silverlining. While I am agonizing in pain, I noticed there is no more denial! You are not mine and will never be mine. We are now two diferrent people with different lives. We are two different people chasing different dreams.
The day you left is
the day my dreams are no longer true
the day my past is sealed to nothing
the day my heart learns to unlove you
And the day I let you go.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Moving On 101: The Day I Realized Fate was Never on our Side
I used to believe in destiny. I used to believe that God carefully arranged each one of us a beautiful love story, a fairy tale like no other. In his perfect timing, everything will just fall into place.
For me, ours is the most wonderful story. However looking back, I realized it isn't perfectly crafted. There were red flags along the way and I was too stubborn that I ignored them.
In 2006 or 2007, we were not yet "us". I actually turned you down then. We decided to meet up so could talk things over. You wanted to know the reason why I can't commit. Before seeing you, I asked for a sign that if you wear anything pink, I will say yes instead. You wore white polo shirt and blue jeans. I stick with my initial decision.
In March 23 of 2008, you offered to accompany me to Manila. I asked for the same sign. I have forgotten what you wore but it was not pink, not even a pink dot. But when you held my hand, I knew it is the perfect time to say yes. It felt good.
When you decided to re-model your house,you told me you needed to save. You would not be able to go to Manila as much as you wanted to. But before your project, you invited me for our biggest date ever. I was not sure I'll go with you so I asked for a sign. While having dinner at MOA, I prayed that if a nun walks passed me, then I would say No to you. Guess what, just a few minutes later, I saw not one, but 3 nuns walked and smiled at me. I still said yes to you.
The last time we met, I prayed that if you wore the pink couple shirt I gave you 2 Christmases ago, it was a sign that I can take you back. You wore white shirt.
All signs tell me we are not meant to be.
After our closure, you told me you are not going to text me anymore. But last Sunday, you asked me if we could meet up. But our schedule did not meet and no one wanted to make an adjustment.
To be honest, I wanted to see you. But I have to be firm because I have to take care of myself too.Im afraid the meet up will give me more harm than good. So I replied "Baka hindi na talaga meant na magkita tayo."
Last Thusday, my meetings were moved and suddenly it matched your schedule. I texted you, you did not reply. Later that night you said you left your phone at home.
The next day, I went home. I was already in the jeepney when you texted me where was I.
See? It was only a matter of few minutes between hopping on that jeepney and receiving your message. We really are not really meant to see each other. But aside from fate, I guess neither of us wanted to exert more effort. Perhaps, I am beginning to lose my grip and seeing you cannot make even the smallest difference.
For me, ours is the most wonderful story. However looking back, I realized it isn't perfectly crafted. There were red flags along the way and I was too stubborn that I ignored them.
In 2006 or 2007, we were not yet "us". I actually turned you down then. We decided to meet up so could talk things over. You wanted to know the reason why I can't commit. Before seeing you, I asked for a sign that if you wear anything pink, I will say yes instead. You wore white polo shirt and blue jeans. I stick with my initial decision.
In March 23 of 2008, you offered to accompany me to Manila. I asked for the same sign. I have forgotten what you wore but it was not pink, not even a pink dot. But when you held my hand, I knew it is the perfect time to say yes. It felt good.
When you decided to re-model your house,you told me you needed to save. You would not be able to go to Manila as much as you wanted to. But before your project, you invited me for our biggest date ever. I was not sure I'll go with you so I asked for a sign. While having dinner at MOA, I prayed that if a nun walks passed me, then I would say No to you. Guess what, just a few minutes later, I saw not one, but 3 nuns walked and smiled at me. I still said yes to you.
The last time we met, I prayed that if you wore the pink couple shirt I gave you 2 Christmases ago, it was a sign that I can take you back. You wore white shirt.
All signs tell me we are not meant to be.
After our closure, you told me you are not going to text me anymore. But last Sunday, you asked me if we could meet up. But our schedule did not meet and no one wanted to make an adjustment.
To be honest, I wanted to see you. But I have to be firm because I have to take care of myself too.Im afraid the meet up will give me more harm than good. So I replied "Baka hindi na talaga meant na magkita tayo."
Last Thusday, my meetings were moved and suddenly it matched your schedule. I texted you, you did not reply. Later that night you said you left your phone at home.
The next day, I went home. I was already in the jeepney when you texted me where was I.
See? It was only a matter of few minutes between hopping on that jeepney and receiving your message. We really are not really meant to see each other. But aside from fate, I guess neither of us wanted to exert more effort. Perhaps, I am beginning to lose my grip and seeing you cannot make even the smallest difference.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Moving on 101: The Day I Sang in Videoke Bar
It's been quite a while since I went to a videoke bar. A very good friend "J" invited me there. She passed her certification which is a call for celebration. And here I am, choosing to move on which is a cause of depression. BAM !
We sang our hearts out,filled our stomach and drank T-ice from 6:00 till 11:00 pm. We would stop every now and then and just ate dinner, talked about our day, mused over our failed relationships, bragged about our epic stories of winning affection and laughed at our heroic but dumb and never-to-do-again quest for love. When my eyes got moist, we would sing again and repeat the drill.
For our final song, I chose "Halaga" and J sang it. Every line suddenly made sense.
Umiiyak ka na naman
Langya talaga , wala ka bang ibang alam
Namumugtong mga mata
Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa
Sa problema na iyong pinapasan
Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihan
May kwento kang pandrama na naman
Parang pang TV na walang katapusan
Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyan
Hindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahan
Ang pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga
Na wala nang ginagawa kundi ang paluhain ka
Chorus:
Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang makitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga
Hindi na dapat pag-usapan pa
Nagpapagod na rin ako sa aking kakasalita
Hindi ka rin naman nakikinig
Kahit sobrang pagod na ang aking bibig
Sa mga payo kong di mo pinapansin
Akala moy nakikinig di rin naman tatanggapin
Ayoko nang isipin pa
Di ko alam bat di mo makayanan na iwanan sya
Ang dami-dami naman diyang iba
Wag kang mangangambang baka wala ka nang ibang Makita
Na lalake na magmamahal sayo
At hinding hindi nya sasayangin ang pag-ibig mo
Minsan hindi ko maintindihan
Parang ang buhay natin ay napagti-tripan
Medyo Malabo yata ang mundo
Binabasura ng iba ang siyay pinapangarap ko
I ended up singing with her, making a toss with our empty glasses, and berating at every fitting lines - just like two foolish people. I had fun and found temporary relief.
To J - Thank you for the 6-long years of constant understanding and persistent listening. Thank you for making yourself available just when I needed last minute meet up, midnight chats and endless drama.
I know I am finding it hard to appreciate my life now, but you - helping me get through this, is never unnoticed. Thank you for the friendship. Cheers!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
What is Love – From a Person who has been Dumped
Flowers, Chocolates, Cake, Novena Prayer, Church-hopping, Game of Thrones Marathon, Movie Dates, Night Market Food Trip, Lomi Cravings, Out of Town Trips, Tambay-Mode at Home, Nightly Conversation, Intertwined Hands, Hugs & Kisses, and Endless Exchange of I love you's
These things rekindle the spark every time I am with you. It sweeps away all my worries and restores those with the warmth of your love. That easy and light feeling that draws a smile in my lips and paints glimmer in my eyes. But after you broke up with me, what is love through the eyes of a person who has been dumped? How do I see relationship now?
For the first 6 months, I miss everything we do, you do for me or I do for you. Our journey together is the greatest story of true love. I do not understand why a love this special just faded away.
For the second half of the year, I realize love is beyond the state of "falling in love" and "being in love".
Love is more than the flowers, chocolates, ice cream, cake, fruits and gifts you give to surprise me;
It is knowing that someone I care about a lot cares about me too.
Love is beyond being novena buddies or visiting different churches with you;
It is believing that someone wishes my wishes and dreams my dream.
Love is not just watching GOT marathon or seeing feel good movies with me;
It is imagining ourselves for a happy never-ending.
Love is not merely stuffing our stomach until full as we satisfy cravings for lomi and other street food,
It is realizing that the best appetizer is laughter shared with you.
Love is not simply about travelling out of towns and having the pictures posted in Facebook;
It is about discovering each others' personality - how we appreciate nature, pay interest to outdoor activities, deal with strangers, react in an inconvenient accommodation, respond to an itinerary gone wrong and yes, even how we tolerate each other's snore as we drift off after an adventure-filled day.
Love is not only about killing time back at home;
It is recognizing that no time is wasted if spent by two people enjoying each other's company.
Love is not purely burning mobile lines every night,
It is understanding that we have each other, just there listening at the end of the line - laughing at our corniest jokes, paying attention at our day-to-day stories, sympathizing at our down moments, encouraging from our personal failures, learning from our inevitable mistakes, rejoicing our little triumph and planning our promising future.
Love is not barely defined by how tight we hold hands and how many hugs, kisses & i love you's we do;
It is feeling genuinely wanted, appreciated, accepted and loved. It is believing that with me is my answered prayer, my "the one" and trusting that you feel exactly the same.
A year after the heartbreak,this is how my perspective on relationship evolves.
Love and Relationship are both a choice. It is surely easy to keep the relationship going and stay magically in love when things are happy, fun and uncomplicated.It is however, evident more clearly when things are off track.
I remember the time when I cannot fully understand why my love is not enough to sustain our relationship and why my effort is fruitless. I finally figured out the answer.
Love and relationship are choices, only the latter requires to be mutual. I chose you, but you didn't choose me - and that ended my favorite love story.
Can I still then love you without a relationship? I guess yes, only in a different form. Because love is also choosing to let go. No matter how much I want to keep you around me, no matter how much i wish you to stay, no matter how much it kills me to see you leave, I have to let you go.
Probably, letting go is the most selfless but the most excruciating form of love. I still do not know how, but I just know I have to. I am letting you go now because I love you.
These things rekindle the spark every time I am with you. It sweeps away all my worries and restores those with the warmth of your love. That easy and light feeling that draws a smile in my lips and paints glimmer in my eyes. But after you broke up with me, what is love through the eyes of a person who has been dumped? How do I see relationship now?
For the first 6 months, I miss everything we do, you do for me or I do for you. Our journey together is the greatest story of true love. I do not understand why a love this special just faded away.
For the second half of the year, I realize love is beyond the state of "falling in love" and "being in love".
Love is more than the flowers, chocolates, ice cream, cake, fruits and gifts you give to surprise me;
It is knowing that someone I care about a lot cares about me too.
Love is beyond being novena buddies or visiting different churches with you;
It is believing that someone wishes my wishes and dreams my dream.
Love is not just watching GOT marathon or seeing feel good movies with me;
It is imagining ourselves for a happy never-ending.
Love is not merely stuffing our stomach until full as we satisfy cravings for lomi and other street food,
It is realizing that the best appetizer is laughter shared with you.
Love is not simply about travelling out of towns and having the pictures posted in Facebook;
It is about discovering each others' personality - how we appreciate nature, pay interest to outdoor activities, deal with strangers, react in an inconvenient accommodation, respond to an itinerary gone wrong and yes, even how we tolerate each other's snore as we drift off after an adventure-filled day.
Love is not only about killing time back at home;
It is recognizing that no time is wasted if spent by two people enjoying each other's company.
Love is not purely burning mobile lines every night,
It is understanding that we have each other, just there listening at the end of the line - laughing at our corniest jokes, paying attention at our day-to-day stories, sympathizing at our down moments, encouraging from our personal failures, learning from our inevitable mistakes, rejoicing our little triumph and planning our promising future.
Love is not barely defined by how tight we hold hands and how many hugs, kisses & i love you's we do;
It is feeling genuinely wanted, appreciated, accepted and loved. It is believing that with me is my answered prayer, my "the one" and trusting that you feel exactly the same.
A year after the heartbreak,this is how my perspective on relationship evolves.
Love and Relationship are both a choice. It is surely easy to keep the relationship going and stay magically in love when things are happy, fun and uncomplicated.It is however, evident more clearly when things are off track.
I remember the time when I cannot fully understand why my love is not enough to sustain our relationship and why my effort is fruitless. I finally figured out the answer.
Love and relationship are choices, only the latter requires to be mutual. I chose you, but you didn't choose me - and that ended my favorite love story.
Can I still then love you without a relationship? I guess yes, only in a different form. Because love is also choosing to let go. No matter how much I want to keep you around me, no matter how much i wish you to stay, no matter how much it kills me to see you leave, I have to let you go.
Probably, letting go is the most selfless but the most excruciating form of love. I still do not know how, but I just know I have to. I am letting you go now because I love you.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
My Pain Scale Rating
After knowing the reason why you broke up with me- “my closure”, I felt I have started from ground 0 again. Only this time it is;
harder than when I heard from your friend that you have moved on,
more painful than when the time you greeted me a day before my birthday,
more throbbing than when I saw Barum,
more difficult than when I met you to give back your bag,
harsher than when I met you to ask something,
more dreadful than knowing that you are just within my vicinity having fun,
nastier than when you sent me SMS as if I was nothing to you,
more heartbreaking than when you seemed to have forgotten all our milestone dates,
crueler than when you said to end the relationship.
The detached tone of your messages, the coldness of your treatment and the finality of your decision cautioned me that I have indeed reached the d.e.a.d. e.n.d.
If I am going to rate what I am feeling right now in a pain-scale, I say it’s 9/10. I feel awful and terrible. It feels like something’s piercing my heart, making sure every vein is bleeding more than usual. And it’s bleeding not for survival, not because some gland in my brain tells my heart to pump, I believe it is bleeding as a reactive action towards the excruciating pain it has to bear.
Not that I am trying to be brave to declare that a pain like this only deserves a 9. It is a 9 because I am saving my 10 for the time I would lose someone, the time you will onboard for Dubai and the time I will learn someone else has taken my place in your heart.
harder than when I heard from your friend that you have moved on,
more painful than when the time you greeted me a day before my birthday,
more throbbing than when I saw Barum,
more difficult than when I met you to give back your bag,
harsher than when I met you to ask something,
more dreadful than knowing that you are just within my vicinity having fun,
nastier than when you sent me SMS as if I was nothing to you,
more heartbreaking than when you seemed to have forgotten all our milestone dates,
crueler than when you said to end the relationship.
The detached tone of your messages, the coldness of your treatment and the finality of your decision cautioned me that I have indeed reached the d.e.a.d. e.n.d.
If I am going to rate what I am feeling right now in a pain-scale, I say it’s 9/10. I feel awful and terrible. It feels like something’s piercing my heart, making sure every vein is bleeding more than usual. And it’s bleeding not for survival, not because some gland in my brain tells my heart to pump, I believe it is bleeding as a reactive action towards the excruciating pain it has to bear.
Not that I am trying to be brave to declare that a pain like this only deserves a 9. It is a 9 because I am saving my 10 for the time I would lose someone, the time you will onboard for Dubai and the time I will learn someone else has taken my place in your heart.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Moving On 101: The Day I Seeked for an Intervention
A day after our closure, everything seemed to be so dark. The summer sun could not clear my blurred and hazy vision. Yesterday’s great news of job offer from a company I have been waiting for did not make my day any brighter.
Sleep did not come. I crawled out of bed for an early jog. My swimming lesson was cancelled for the entire week. I lost my appetite. I could not get you off my mind so I went to Baclaran Church.
I let my guards down, vulnerability crept in and tears automatically rolled down my cheeks. I prayed in between sobs. I narrated to God what happened to “us” like a kid summoning for an ally. I revealed my fears, asked for help and pleaded for strength. I stayed for an hour until I felt the slightest amount of pain burst free out of my chest.
On my way out, I thought of a crazy idea. I looked for a fortune teller! Outside the church, there was a woman with a cardboard on her lap stating “manghuhula”. For 100 pesos, she laid out her tarot cards. She asked me to pick one card, which according to her is a lucky card. She laid more cards and said:
Magkakaroon ka ng magandang trabaho
Magkakapera ka, Swerte ka sa pera
Mag aabroad ka
She stopped and asked me if I have a job or applying overseas. I said none. I did not disclose my job offer which I already accepted earlier that day nor did I share the onshore assignment. But these 3 things she randomly repeated for about 5 to 7 times during the entire session.
She continued reading the cards;
May nagkakagusto sayo
May nagmamahal sayo
May nag-iisip sayo araw-gabi
Mabait kang tao
She paused and asked me if I have a boyfriend. I told her my bf broke up with me last year. She resumed reading the cards and said,
May lalaking nagkakagusto sayo
Kaso pag minahal mo sya, mawawala sya sayo
Mabait ka pero masama kang magalit
Makakabili ka ng bahay mo
When the cards were all laid down the table, she offered for palm reading. I refused. I already given up one - tall mocha frap for this session. Before I leave, she uttered “Miss, alisin mo ang malas sa pag ibig”.
Back home, I had given her foretelling some thought. I disagree in the love life aspect. Absence of a boy friend doesn’t mean I am hapless. It means I am clever enough to wait for the time I have healed and let go. It means I am sensible enough not to jump into another commitment when I am still dealing with emotional baggage. It means I am prudent enough to wait for “the one” and not hasty to settle to “the next one” available.
Although the portion where Madame predicted that I cannot love back a person, I initially assumed it is because I love too much and that drives guys away. A good friend’s interpretation was I could not love ex any further because he’s leaving. But what shook me was my sister’s version which was if I love back, that person is going to die. Ugh!
That moment, I knew I am desperately in need of some sort of assurance that my tomorrow would be a little better no matter how silly this sounds. In the end, it is definitely my choice to believe in the good predictions and to pray more for the unpleasant ones.
Sleep did not come. I crawled out of bed for an early jog. My swimming lesson was cancelled for the entire week. I lost my appetite. I could not get you off my mind so I went to Baclaran Church.
I let my guards down, vulnerability crept in and tears automatically rolled down my cheeks. I prayed in between sobs. I narrated to God what happened to “us” like a kid summoning for an ally. I revealed my fears, asked for help and pleaded for strength. I stayed for an hour until I felt the slightest amount of pain burst free out of my chest.
On my way out, I thought of a crazy idea. I looked for a fortune teller! Outside the church, there was a woman with a cardboard on her lap stating “manghuhula”. For 100 pesos, she laid out her tarot cards. She asked me to pick one card, which according to her is a lucky card. She laid more cards and said:
Magkakaroon ka ng magandang trabaho
Magkakapera ka, Swerte ka sa pera
Mag aabroad ka
She stopped and asked me if I have a job or applying overseas. I said none. I did not disclose my job offer which I already accepted earlier that day nor did I share the onshore assignment. But these 3 things she randomly repeated for about 5 to 7 times during the entire session.
She continued reading the cards;
May nagkakagusto sayo
May nagmamahal sayo
May nag-iisip sayo araw-gabi
Mabait kang tao
She paused and asked me if I have a boyfriend. I told her my bf broke up with me last year. She resumed reading the cards and said,
May lalaking nagkakagusto sayo
Kaso pag minahal mo sya, mawawala sya sayo
Mabait ka pero masama kang magalit
Makakabili ka ng bahay mo
When the cards were all laid down the table, she offered for palm reading. I refused. I already given up one - tall mocha frap for this session. Before I leave, she uttered “Miss, alisin mo ang malas sa pag ibig”.
Back home, I had given her foretelling some thought. I disagree in the love life aspect. Absence of a boy friend doesn’t mean I am hapless. It means I am clever enough to wait for the time I have healed and let go. It means I am sensible enough not to jump into another commitment when I am still dealing with emotional baggage. It means I am prudent enough to wait for “the one” and not hasty to settle to “the next one” available.
Although the portion where Madame predicted that I cannot love back a person, I initially assumed it is because I love too much and that drives guys away. A good friend’s interpretation was I could not love ex any further because he’s leaving. But what shook me was my sister’s version which was if I love back, that person is going to die. Ugh!
That moment, I knew I am desperately in need of some sort of assurance that my tomorrow would be a little better no matter how silly this sounds. In the end, it is definitely my choice to believe in the good predictions and to pray more for the unpleasant ones.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Day Trip to Pinatubo Crater
A former officemate and I agreed to visit Mt Pinatubo last March 15. Since we are both single (and apparently fresh from heartbreak) we would consider the trip a celebration of independence.
We contacted TRIPinas Travel and Tour Ventures to avail their Pinatubo Tour Package. I sent an email and received a reply immediately.
We woke up at around 1:30 am and arrived at Mc Donalds, El Pueblo at around 2:30 am. We settled our remaining balance and left for Pinatubo at exactly 3:00 am. I appreciated TRIPinas on how they organized the tour. They assigned us to a van with small groups also. We were comfortable inside the vehicle as there are only 5 of us inside. The other 5 joined us at DAU exit.
The lahar-filled landscape was amazing. The one-hour 4X4 truck ride was super awesome. We stood and gripped at the bars. We twisted at every turn, held tight at river crossing and cheered all through out. I asked the foreigner how was the trip going. He replied Ï am not having fun, I am having a blast!"
The two-hour walk made me panting under the scorching heat of the sun.
The trek left me breathless but reaching the crater was breathtaking!
We contacted TRIPinas Travel and Tour Ventures to avail their Pinatubo Tour Package. I sent an email and received a reply immediately.
We woke up at around 1:30 am and arrived at Mc Donalds, El Pueblo at around 2:30 am. We settled our remaining balance and left for Pinatubo at exactly 3:00 am. I appreciated TRIPinas on how they organized the tour. They assigned us to a van with small groups also. We were comfortable inside the vehicle as there are only 5 of us inside. The other 5 joined us at DAU exit.
The lahar-filled landscape was amazing. The one-hour 4X4 truck ride was super awesome. We stood and gripped at the bars. We twisted at every turn, held tight at river crossing and cheered all through out. I asked the foreigner how was the trip going. He replied Ï am not having fun, I am having a blast!"
The two-hour walk made me panting under the scorching heat of the sun.
The trek left me breathless but reaching the crater was breathtaking!
Monday, March 24, 2014
The Day my EQ Went Down Again
March 23, 2014 could have been our 6th anniversary. A month before you texted me until it somewhat has become a weekly Sunday habit.
I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was strong enough. In every press on “Send” button, I would immediately remind myself that this means nothing, absolutely nothing. We were but two old friends catching up until you asked me if we can meet up.
Flickers of hope rose in me. There was no date yet, but I started to assume that this could be something. I know you are leaving for Dubai, but I led myself to believe that perhaps you are testing the waters before leaving. For a moment, I even fantasized you would stay for me.
On March 23rd, you texted me with your usual “Kumusta ka?” You asked me if I already have a job offer, what my plans are. You also told me you went out of town. It broke me. I know this is so selfish and stupid of me to expect that this day would mean something to you. It moved me to tears but I tried to continue the conversation.
A picture of me you took in Palawan last September 2012.
The next day, I woke up realizing I need to ask you about your plans too and all my unanswered questions. I was saving this moment for our meet up, but I just know that I was not ever ready to see you yet. If I do, I would just probably go begging.
I need to find the answers now. I want to tell you how I feel. I can’t prolong the agony of keeping everything all by myself.
I started with SMS “When do you plan to tell me you have resigned and leaving for Dubai next month?” You were surprised as you are keeping it as a secret even to your family. I also asked you “Why are you texting me, aalis ka din naman pala?”. You replied “Masama na pala magtext dahil paalis na ako”.
You didn’t get it. You could not see the entire picture. It wasn’t wrong if the person you’re texting with has completely moved on. I actually thought I have, but truth is I haven’t. Everyday is still a torment getting out of bed. My morning mantra was “I will get through the 24-hour battle”. I was living only because my physical body says get up but my mind, my heart and my spirit remain lifeless. I was only living to get by, without any directions or motivations. With all honesty I replied, “Kasi hindi pa ako okay”.
I asked you if you could give me the reason for breaking up with me. I needed a closure. You said there was this instance you were sick and I still nagged you. Suddenly you realized you didn’t know me and decided to focus on yourself.
I wanted you to know I also have my share of sacrifices to the relationship you made me believe will last forever. We have series of trials, but I held on. I cried and got mad but I held on. I could not get why a “hump-like” fight have turned out like this when we have surpassed “mountain-like” problems.
Perhaps, the flaws I accepted in you were far, far greater than the flaws you can bear for me.
I sent long messages telling you instances when you have neglected me and hurt me, but I have chosen to forgive you. Your only response was “that’s why I do not deserve you”.
This was ultimately not the sort of reply from a person who wants to make amends. This was simply a reply from a person letting go of me. This hit me real bad.
I also sent you long messages that I wish this never happened. That moment, I regretted the day I said yes to you and every single moment I chose you. You never replied.
And when reality sets in, it sucks big time!
I also tried to remember what happened on that day and gave you my side of the story. Still, no reply.
After bringing myself into another humiliating situation, I know the world would roll their eyes telling me to stop this craziness, move on and find someone else.
Yes, telling you how I feel did not change a thing. But I need to do this. I know you, you don’t just give up. You will find ways to be with me again. You will try to win me back. You can’t stand to see me suffering. This is how much I trust you. And for the longest time, this is the reason why I am holding on. But when you told me earlier, you do not know me, should I be the one asking you that instead? Am I wrong about you all along? Do I really know you?
This is the last part of the story I never imagined would end. I do not know how to start but I know I cannot go back. I already heard it from you.
I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was strong enough. In every press on “Send” button, I would immediately remind myself that this means nothing, absolutely nothing. We were but two old friends catching up until you asked me if we can meet up.
Flickers of hope rose in me. There was no date yet, but I started to assume that this could be something. I know you are leaving for Dubai, but I led myself to believe that perhaps you are testing the waters before leaving. For a moment, I even fantasized you would stay for me.
On March 23rd, you texted me with your usual “Kumusta ka?” You asked me if I already have a job offer, what my plans are. You also told me you went out of town. It broke me. I know this is so selfish and stupid of me to expect that this day would mean something to you. It moved me to tears but I tried to continue the conversation.
A picture of me you took in Palawan last September 2012.
The next day, I woke up realizing I need to ask you about your plans too and all my unanswered questions. I was saving this moment for our meet up, but I just know that I was not ever ready to see you yet. If I do, I would just probably go begging.
I need to find the answers now. I want to tell you how I feel. I can’t prolong the agony of keeping everything all by myself.
I started with SMS “When do you plan to tell me you have resigned and leaving for Dubai next month?” You were surprised as you are keeping it as a secret even to your family. I also asked you “Why are you texting me, aalis ka din naman pala?”. You replied “Masama na pala magtext dahil paalis na ako”.
You didn’t get it. You could not see the entire picture. It wasn’t wrong if the person you’re texting with has completely moved on. I actually thought I have, but truth is I haven’t. Everyday is still a torment getting out of bed. My morning mantra was “I will get through the 24-hour battle”. I was living only because my physical body says get up but my mind, my heart and my spirit remain lifeless. I was only living to get by, without any directions or motivations. With all honesty I replied, “Kasi hindi pa ako okay”.
I asked you if you could give me the reason for breaking up with me. I needed a closure. You said there was this instance you were sick and I still nagged you. Suddenly you realized you didn’t know me and decided to focus on yourself.
I wanted you to know I also have my share of sacrifices to the relationship you made me believe will last forever. We have series of trials, but I held on. I cried and got mad but I held on. I could not get why a “hump-like” fight have turned out like this when we have surpassed “mountain-like” problems.
Perhaps, the flaws I accepted in you were far, far greater than the flaws you can bear for me.
I sent long messages telling you instances when you have neglected me and hurt me, but I have chosen to forgive you. Your only response was “that’s why I do not deserve you”.
This was ultimately not the sort of reply from a person who wants to make amends. This was simply a reply from a person letting go of me. This hit me real bad.
I also sent you long messages that I wish this never happened. That moment, I regretted the day I said yes to you and every single moment I chose you. You never replied.
And when reality sets in, it sucks big time!
I also tried to remember what happened on that day and gave you my side of the story. Still, no reply.
After bringing myself into another humiliating situation, I know the world would roll their eyes telling me to stop this craziness, move on and find someone else.
Yes, telling you how I feel did not change a thing. But I need to do this. I know you, you don’t just give up. You will find ways to be with me again. You will try to win me back. You can’t stand to see me suffering. This is how much I trust you. And for the longest time, this is the reason why I am holding on. But when you told me earlier, you do not know me, should I be the one asking you that instead? Am I wrong about you all along? Do I really know you?
This is the last part of the story I never imagined would end. I do not know how to start but I know I cannot go back. I already heard it from you.
Tipid Trip in Tanay Rizal
Need an easy get away from Manila?
My friends and I went to Tanay Rizal last February 23.
We met at MRT- Cubao Station at around 6:00 am. We rode a jeepney going to Junction, then from Junction we rode another jeepney to Tanay market. Finally, we rode a tricycle to take us to our destination.
Our first destination is Calinawan Cave. It is an easy trail but for adventure seekers, watch out this month as level 3 to 5 is about to open.
From there, kuya driver led us to a dirt road, which is a short cut to our Lady of Rawang. He actually saved us from climbing 200+ steps uphill.
Next, we took a plunge at Daranak Falls. If you plan to take a dip, I strongly suggest to get in there during weekdays. It is super crowded on weekends.
We proceeded to Batlag Falls, which is a private property. It is smaller than Daranak Falls but you can swim as there are only few people staying here.
We also went to Church and finally to Parola.
Expenses
MRT = 11
Lunch (Jollibee) = 150
Jeepney Fare(Cubao to Ever) = 8
Jeepney Fare(Ever to Junction = 14
Jeepney Fare(Junction to Rizal) = 45
Tricycle Tour (700/3 pax) = 233
Calinawan Entrance = 40
Tour Guide (100/3 pax) = 33.33
Daranak Falls Entrance = 50
Batlag Falls Entrance = 100
Liempo (for lunch) = 50
Fx Fare from Tanay to Starmall = 75
Total = 809.33
The tour is not as awesome as my other trips but for 800 pesos, this is something!
My friends and I went to Tanay Rizal last February 23.
We met at MRT- Cubao Station at around 6:00 am. We rode a jeepney going to Junction, then from Junction we rode another jeepney to Tanay market. Finally, we rode a tricycle to take us to our destination.
Our first destination is Calinawan Cave. It is an easy trail but for adventure seekers, watch out this month as level 3 to 5 is about to open.
From there, kuya driver led us to a dirt road, which is a short cut to our Lady of Rawang. He actually saved us from climbing 200+ steps uphill.
Next, we took a plunge at Daranak Falls. If you plan to take a dip, I strongly suggest to get in there during weekdays. It is super crowded on weekends.
We proceeded to Batlag Falls, which is a private property. It is smaller than Daranak Falls but you can swim as there are only few people staying here.
We also went to Church and finally to Parola.
Expenses
MRT = 11
Lunch (Jollibee) = 150
Jeepney Fare(Cubao to Ever) = 8
Jeepney Fare(Ever to Junction = 14
Jeepney Fare(Junction to Rizal) = 45
Tricycle Tour (700/3 pax) = 233
Calinawan Entrance = 40
Tour Guide (100/3 pax) = 33.33
Daranak Falls Entrance = 50
Batlag Falls Entrance = 100
Liempo (for lunch) = 50
Fx Fare from Tanay to Starmall = 75
Total = 809.33
The tour is not as awesome as my other trips but for 800 pesos, this is something!
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Got my Free Hug Today!
Since my "the feast" buddies aren't available, I decided to attend alone this weekly prayer gathering of the Light of Jesus family. I chose the vacant area at the back so I do not have to deal with uncomfortable stares of my seatmates when asked to greet/speak to each other.
The topic is about detoxifying ill feelings. Obviously, this is something I really need to hear right now. During the prayer meeting, just when I decided it's time to start letting go of the expired anger and pain in my heart(by the way, "ex" is going to Dubai and such idea made me sick), Bro. Bo asked to hug somebody beside us and to tell that person he/she is amazing! I just bowed my head since chairs on both sides were empty. When I opened my eyes, a lady standing 4 seats from where I stood approached me, smiled at me and whispered "I think you also need a hug".
She embraced me tightly and I hugged her back. We did not get to tell the words. But even without it, the lady's generosity for hugs made me feel really amazing!
Could this be an affirmation from God that today is the best time to release all the overdue aches in my heart?
Perhaps,it is! And to that wonderful lady, thank you for hugging that tiny little girl wearing pink and faded blue jeans. Thank you so much!
The topic is about detoxifying ill feelings. Obviously, this is something I really need to hear right now. During the prayer meeting, just when I decided it's time to start letting go of the expired anger and pain in my heart(by the way, "ex" is going to Dubai and such idea made me sick), Bro. Bo asked to hug somebody beside us and to tell that person he/she is amazing! I just bowed my head since chairs on both sides were empty. When I opened my eyes, a lady standing 4 seats from where I stood approached me, smiled at me and whispered "I think you also need a hug".
She embraced me tightly and I hugged her back. We did not get to tell the words. But even without it, the lady's generosity for hugs made me feel really amazing!
Could this be an affirmation from God that today is the best time to release all the overdue aches in my heart?
Perhaps,it is! And to that wonderful lady, thank you for hugging that tiny little girl wearing pink and faded blue jeans. Thank you so much!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Letter to 32-Year Old Me
You are now 32. Yey!
You have at least 3 out of the country trips and have completed 30 points in the Top 38 Tourist Attraction in the Philippines, a Must See before You Die
You have taken your parents to Boracay for vacation.
You have reached your 6-digit salary goal.
You have 300K in your bank account.
You have a feasibility study of your future business.
If you ever miss one of these, or miss all of these, remember it is okay. Do not be hard on yourself. I know you are close to achieving these. But there are other things I would like to see in you 3 years from now.
I hope time has taught you to forgive yourself and those who wronged you. I hope 3 years have been enough for you to learn how to let go. I hope you have found in your heart the importance of loving and respecting yourself first. I hope you have summoned all your courage to share your love to someone special. I know you have so much love to give so do not be afraid. Or if he hasn't arrived yet, I hope you are now ready to give and receive love. Just be patient.
I hope your smile is no longer forced. It is now genuine. Your eyes is no longer weary. It is now radiant. Your heart is no longer bleeding. It is now loving.
And if there is one thing I pray time has not changed you, it is your belief in love. No matter what happens, I am very proud of you. I love you.
From 29-Year Old Me
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Sand, Surf, Baler = FUN!
I and two of my friends went to Genesis Cubao Station at around 4:00 am. Unluckily, we needed to transfer to another bus. We got there at around 2:00 pm just in time for us to check in at Aliyah Surf Camp. After a long ride, it was so refreshing to hear the crashing sound of the waves.
Aliyah Surf Camp at Night
Kuya Leo, our tricycle driver who drove us to Aliyah Surf Camp offered us a tour the next day for 800 pesos, which is the standard rate.
Among the spots he drove us to were:
Century Old Balete Tree
You can climb the tree up to about 40 ft high. But since I am acrophobic, I then decided to stay on the ground while my two friends climb.
Mother Falls
It was a 20-minute trek going to Mother Falls. But the trail was really easy.
The water was freezing cold, but we still took a plunge!
Kuya Leo was helpful enough to assist us in transferring all our stuff from Aliyah Surf Camp to Bay's Inn, then we continued with the tour. Next stop was an "eat-all you can" lunch for only 185 pesos at Gerry Shan's Place. I love their sisig!
Diguisit Rock Formation
Tried the water and it was pretty warm.
We also dropped by Diguisit Falls, Ermita Hill, Baler Church, Dona Aurora Quezon House and Baler Museum.
On our third day, we braved the big waves.
After all the effort to balance myself on top of the board as it glides along the splashing waves, the times I immersed and drunk salt water, and share of scratches and wounds, being able to stand on my surfboard for a very brief moment made it all worth it!
Aliyah Surf Camp at Night
Kuya Leo, our tricycle driver who drove us to Aliyah Surf Camp offered us a tour the next day for 800 pesos, which is the standard rate.
Among the spots he drove us to were:
Century Old Balete Tree
You can climb the tree up to about 40 ft high. But since I am acrophobic, I then decided to stay on the ground while my two friends climb.
Mother Falls
It was a 20-minute trek going to Mother Falls. But the trail was really easy.
The water was freezing cold, but we still took a plunge!
Kuya Leo was helpful enough to assist us in transferring all our stuff from Aliyah Surf Camp to Bay's Inn, then we continued with the tour. Next stop was an "eat-all you can" lunch for only 185 pesos at Gerry Shan's Place. I love their sisig!
Diguisit Rock Formation
Tried the water and it was pretty warm.
We also dropped by Diguisit Falls, Ermita Hill, Baler Church, Dona Aurora Quezon House and Baler Museum.
On our third day, we braved the big waves.
After all the effort to balance myself on top of the board as it glides along the splashing waves, the times I immersed and drunk salt water, and share of scratches and wounds, being able to stand on my surfboard for a very brief moment made it all worth it!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Been a Year and I will be Awesome!
I haven't updated my blog since May. Just to breeze thru how the 2nd half of 2013 went, here it goes:
June: If tears can be sold, I will be a certified big time millionaire!
July: I agreed to meet him because he needs his bag. I was a fool to assume he misses me and getting the bag I borrowed from him was just an alibi to see me. Crazy me. He sent a few text messages though. However, if “Im really sorry” or “Can I see you and talk?” or “How can I make it up to you?” or “Let me explain” or “Lets work things out” were the messages I was hoping to receive, then everything else did not matter. I cannot press the Send button and pretend I am doing just fine.
August: Worked my ass out. The tiniest bit of time I could spare for myself was only spent dreaming/crying about him.
September: Went to Camiguin-Cagayan de Oro, Bukidnon and Iligan. Wondering if I remembered him before, during and after the trip - Big YES! Days before the trip, I even asked him if he wanted to come. Guess I am getting used to being rejected all the time.
At Mantigue Island, Camiguin
At Dahilayan Forest Park, Bukidnon
White Water Rafting, Cagayan de Oro
At Maria Cristina Falls, Iligan
October: Attended a wedding and felt crushed upon realizing it would never happen to me.
November: Texted him to remember rainday. He ignored it. I went to Boracay and was stranded due to typhoon Yolanda. Had fun but a part of me longs for a simple sms message from him checking if I am alright. Well, you know the answer.
December: Finally, he invited me to catch a movie. I said yes! He never followed up. I waited 3 weeks. I should have known it was only an empty invitation. He managed to greet me on Christmas, one of those messages that you forward to all.
January: No text for New Year. He greeted me a day before my birthday, not the day itself. I realized he did this not because he wanted to show he remembers, but only to ask how to get those airfare promos.
It’s been a year. You know the pain when he is just around the area and he never paid you a visit? Should a 1 minute call be that expensive to show a person how much you care? Should “hi, can we talk because you deserve an explanation” make you less of a man?
All year round I was praying for such moment when he can make me fully understand what happened to us.
I used to think I will never give up on him, on us. But then maybe a minute call or a simple conversation is too much for a person who no longer cares. His friend told me he has completely moved on. It sucks because I haven’t. 2013 was a tough year for me. I have deprived myself from being happy because I was too busy torturing my heart and sabotaging my career for someone who would never love me back.
I cannot afford to lose another year for him. So now I declare - 2014 will be great! I want to be that girl who is confident, independent, free-spirited, driven, happy go lucky and who doesn’t give a damn to all men -that same girl before we become a couple. I will be that awesome girl again! Step by step. One at a time. I will be that girl!
June: If tears can be sold, I will be a certified big time millionaire!
July: I agreed to meet him because he needs his bag. I was a fool to assume he misses me and getting the bag I borrowed from him was just an alibi to see me. Crazy me. He sent a few text messages though. However, if “Im really sorry” or “Can I see you and talk?” or “How can I make it up to you?” or “Let me explain” or “Lets work things out” were the messages I was hoping to receive, then everything else did not matter. I cannot press the Send button and pretend I am doing just fine.
August: Worked my ass out. The tiniest bit of time I could spare for myself was only spent dreaming/crying about him.
September: Went to Camiguin-Cagayan de Oro, Bukidnon and Iligan. Wondering if I remembered him before, during and after the trip - Big YES! Days before the trip, I even asked him if he wanted to come. Guess I am getting used to being rejected all the time.
At Mantigue Island, Camiguin
At Dahilayan Forest Park, Bukidnon
White Water Rafting, Cagayan de Oro
At Maria Cristina Falls, Iligan
October: Attended a wedding and felt crushed upon realizing it would never happen to me.
November: Texted him to remember rainday. He ignored it. I went to Boracay and was stranded due to typhoon Yolanda. Had fun but a part of me longs for a simple sms message from him checking if I am alright. Well, you know the answer.
January: No text for New Year. He greeted me a day before my birthday, not the day itself. I realized he did this not because he wanted to show he remembers, but only to ask how to get those airfare promos.
It’s been a year. You know the pain when he is just around the area and he never paid you a visit? Should a 1 minute call be that expensive to show a person how much you care? Should “hi, can we talk because you deserve an explanation” make you less of a man?
All year round I was praying for such moment when he can make me fully understand what happened to us.
I used to think I will never give up on him, on us. But then maybe a minute call or a simple conversation is too much for a person who no longer cares. His friend told me he has completely moved on. It sucks because I haven’t. 2013 was a tough year for me. I have deprived myself from being happy because I was too busy torturing my heart and sabotaging my career for someone who would never love me back.
I cannot afford to lose another year for him. So now I declare - 2014 will be great! I want to be that girl who is confident, independent, free-spirited, driven, happy go lucky and who doesn’t give a damn to all men -that same girl before we become a couple. I will be that awesome girl again! Step by step. One at a time. I will be that girl!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)