I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was strong enough. In every press on “Send” button, I would immediately remind myself that this means nothing, absolutely nothing. We were but two old friends catching up until you asked me if we can meet up.
Flickers of hope rose in me. There was no date yet, but I started to assume that this could be something. I know you are leaving for Dubai, but I led myself to believe that perhaps you are testing the waters before leaving. For a moment, I even fantasized you would stay for me.
On March 23rd, you texted me with your usual “Kumusta ka?” You asked me if I already have a job offer, what my plans are. You also told me you went out of town. It broke me. I know this is so selfish and stupid of me to expect that this day would mean something to you. It moved me to tears but I tried to continue the conversation.
A picture of me you took in Palawan last September 2012.
The next day, I woke up realizing I need to ask you about your plans too and all my unanswered questions. I was saving this moment for our meet up, but I just know that I was not ever ready to see you yet. If I do, I would just probably go begging.
I need to find the answers now. I want to tell you how I feel. I can’t prolong the agony of keeping everything all by myself.
I started with SMS “When do you plan to tell me you have resigned and leaving for Dubai next month?” You were surprised as you are keeping it as a secret even to your family. I also asked you “Why are you texting me, aalis ka din naman pala?”. You replied “Masama na pala magtext dahil paalis na ako”.
You didn’t get it. You could not see the entire picture. It wasn’t wrong if the person you’re texting with has completely moved on. I actually thought I have, but truth is I haven’t. Everyday is still a torment getting out of bed. My morning mantra was “I will get through the 24-hour battle”. I was living only because my physical body says get up but my mind, my heart and my spirit remain lifeless. I was only living to get by, without any directions or motivations. With all honesty I replied, “Kasi hindi pa ako okay”.
I asked you if you could give me the reason for breaking up with me. I needed a closure. You said there was this instance you were sick and I still nagged you. Suddenly you realized you didn’t know me and decided to focus on yourself.
I wanted you to know I also have my share of sacrifices to the relationship you made me believe will last forever. We have series of trials, but I held on. I cried and got mad but I held on. I could not get why a “hump-like” fight have turned out like this when we have surpassed “mountain-like” problems.
Perhaps, the flaws I accepted in you were far, far greater than the flaws you can bear for me.
I sent long messages telling you instances when you have neglected me and hurt me, but I have chosen to forgive you. Your only response was “that’s why I do not deserve you”.
This was ultimately not the sort of reply from a person who wants to make amends. This was simply a reply from a person letting go of me. This hit me real bad.
I also sent you long messages that I wish this never happened. That moment, I regretted the day I said yes to you and every single moment I chose you. You never replied.
And when reality sets in, it sucks big time!
I also tried to remember what happened on that day and gave you my side of the story. Still, no reply.
After bringing myself into another humiliating situation, I know the world would roll their eyes telling me to stop this craziness, move on and find someone else.
Yes, telling you how I feel did not change a thing. But I need to do this. I know you, you don’t just give up. You will find ways to be with me again. You will try to win me back. You can’t stand to see me suffering. This is how much I trust you. And for the longest time, this is the reason why I am holding on. But when you told me earlier, you do not know me, should I be the one asking you that instead? Am I wrong about you all along? Do I really know you?
This is the last part of the story I never imagined would end. I do not know how to start but I know I cannot go back. I already heard it from you.
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