"Little by Little" is my new mantra. Everytime I feel uneasy, I would say these words while clasping my heart.It makes me feel quite okay. It reminds me that "time" really takes time. I should never expect that the pain will just be gone over night. But I am getting better gradually. I am better than yesterday.
And there goes my night time cries for a week. I was so afraid of this day that I thought crying in advance would somehow lessen the pain. It didn't until yestermorning. I woke up, I could barely stand straight.I cannot fully shift my weight to my right foot.
Since I have a meeting with my philam agent, I managed to go to Makati. My agent is around 55 years old with a very motherly aura. When she asked if Im okay, I told her I wasn't. We talked for about 2 hours. She made me feel alright.She encouraged me to pray more and to ask God to take away the pain so I can start over again.
Back home, after crossng 1 underpass and 1 overpass, I was twisting in pain. My foor really hurts. I tried cold compress plus mefenamic tablet but those did not make me feel better.
Night time was more difficult. I barely slept. I was wide awake from 2 am until 6 am, then I realized that today's the day you are leaving. Today, my pain meter will reach the most dreadful 10 rating! I sent a text message to say my good bye. You replied "be safe, take care. Bye for now." My foot was throbbing and so was my heart that I could no longer distinguish what am I crying for.
I was rushed to emergency room and was injected with steroid. When I was released from the hospital after 2 hours, I made this mistake of checking facebook in my sister's phone. I saw your post which is something like "All my bags packed". Another bomb dropped to my heart. Betrayal, anger, hurt, rejection, self pity and other emotions I have never known just kept on exploding inside. The pain lasted for 1 hour.
This is it. My painscale of 10. Someone told me to look at the silverlining. While I am agonizing in pain, I noticed there is no more denial! You are not mine and will never be mine. We are now two diferrent people with different lives. We are two different people chasing different dreams.
The day you left is
the day my dreams are no longer true
the day my past is sealed to nothing
the day my heart learns to unlove you
And the day I let you go.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Moving On 101: The Day I Realized Fate was Never on our Side
I used to believe in destiny. I used to believe that God carefully arranged each one of us a beautiful love story, a fairy tale like no other. In his perfect timing, everything will just fall into place.
For me, ours is the most wonderful story. However looking back, I realized it isn't perfectly crafted. There were red flags along the way and I was too stubborn that I ignored them.
In 2006 or 2007, we were not yet "us". I actually turned you down then. We decided to meet up so could talk things over. You wanted to know the reason why I can't commit. Before seeing you, I asked for a sign that if you wear anything pink, I will say yes instead. You wore white polo shirt and blue jeans. I stick with my initial decision.
In March 23 of 2008, you offered to accompany me to Manila. I asked for the same sign. I have forgotten what you wore but it was not pink, not even a pink dot. But when you held my hand, I knew it is the perfect time to say yes. It felt good.
When you decided to re-model your house,you told me you needed to save. You would not be able to go to Manila as much as you wanted to. But before your project, you invited me for our biggest date ever. I was not sure I'll go with you so I asked for a sign. While having dinner at MOA, I prayed that if a nun walks passed me, then I would say No to you. Guess what, just a few minutes later, I saw not one, but 3 nuns walked and smiled at me. I still said yes to you.
The last time we met, I prayed that if you wore the pink couple shirt I gave you 2 Christmases ago, it was a sign that I can take you back. You wore white shirt.
All signs tell me we are not meant to be.
After our closure, you told me you are not going to text me anymore. But last Sunday, you asked me if we could meet up. But our schedule did not meet and no one wanted to make an adjustment.
To be honest, I wanted to see you. But I have to be firm because I have to take care of myself too.Im afraid the meet up will give me more harm than good. So I replied "Baka hindi na talaga meant na magkita tayo."
Last Thusday, my meetings were moved and suddenly it matched your schedule. I texted you, you did not reply. Later that night you said you left your phone at home.
The next day, I went home. I was already in the jeepney when you texted me where was I.
See? It was only a matter of few minutes between hopping on that jeepney and receiving your message. We really are not really meant to see each other. But aside from fate, I guess neither of us wanted to exert more effort. Perhaps, I am beginning to lose my grip and seeing you cannot make even the smallest difference.
For me, ours is the most wonderful story. However looking back, I realized it isn't perfectly crafted. There were red flags along the way and I was too stubborn that I ignored them.
In 2006 or 2007, we were not yet "us". I actually turned you down then. We decided to meet up so could talk things over. You wanted to know the reason why I can't commit. Before seeing you, I asked for a sign that if you wear anything pink, I will say yes instead. You wore white polo shirt and blue jeans. I stick with my initial decision.
In March 23 of 2008, you offered to accompany me to Manila. I asked for the same sign. I have forgotten what you wore but it was not pink, not even a pink dot. But when you held my hand, I knew it is the perfect time to say yes. It felt good.
When you decided to re-model your house,you told me you needed to save. You would not be able to go to Manila as much as you wanted to. But before your project, you invited me for our biggest date ever. I was not sure I'll go with you so I asked for a sign. While having dinner at MOA, I prayed that if a nun walks passed me, then I would say No to you. Guess what, just a few minutes later, I saw not one, but 3 nuns walked and smiled at me. I still said yes to you.
The last time we met, I prayed that if you wore the pink couple shirt I gave you 2 Christmases ago, it was a sign that I can take you back. You wore white shirt.
All signs tell me we are not meant to be.
After our closure, you told me you are not going to text me anymore. But last Sunday, you asked me if we could meet up. But our schedule did not meet and no one wanted to make an adjustment.
To be honest, I wanted to see you. But I have to be firm because I have to take care of myself too.Im afraid the meet up will give me more harm than good. So I replied "Baka hindi na talaga meant na magkita tayo."
Last Thusday, my meetings were moved and suddenly it matched your schedule. I texted you, you did not reply. Later that night you said you left your phone at home.
The next day, I went home. I was already in the jeepney when you texted me where was I.
See? It was only a matter of few minutes between hopping on that jeepney and receiving your message. We really are not really meant to see each other. But aside from fate, I guess neither of us wanted to exert more effort. Perhaps, I am beginning to lose my grip and seeing you cannot make even the smallest difference.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Moving on 101: The Day I Sang in Videoke Bar
It's been quite a while since I went to a videoke bar. A very good friend "J" invited me there. She passed her certification which is a call for celebration. And here I am, choosing to move on which is a cause of depression. BAM !
We sang our hearts out,filled our stomach and drank T-ice from 6:00 till 11:00 pm. We would stop every now and then and just ate dinner, talked about our day, mused over our failed relationships, bragged about our epic stories of winning affection and laughed at our heroic but dumb and never-to-do-again quest for love. When my eyes got moist, we would sing again and repeat the drill.
For our final song, I chose "Halaga" and J sang it. Every line suddenly made sense.
Umiiyak ka na naman
Langya talaga , wala ka bang ibang alam
Namumugtong mga mata
Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa
Sa problema na iyong pinapasan
Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihan
May kwento kang pandrama na naman
Parang pang TV na walang katapusan
Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyan
Hindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahan
Ang pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga
Na wala nang ginagawa kundi ang paluhain ka
Chorus:
Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang makitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga
Hindi na dapat pag-usapan pa
Nagpapagod na rin ako sa aking kakasalita
Hindi ka rin naman nakikinig
Kahit sobrang pagod na ang aking bibig
Sa mga payo kong di mo pinapansin
Akala moy nakikinig di rin naman tatanggapin
Ayoko nang isipin pa
Di ko alam bat di mo makayanan na iwanan sya
Ang dami-dami naman diyang iba
Wag kang mangangambang baka wala ka nang ibang Makita
Na lalake na magmamahal sayo
At hinding hindi nya sasayangin ang pag-ibig mo
Minsan hindi ko maintindihan
Parang ang buhay natin ay napagti-tripan
Medyo Malabo yata ang mundo
Binabasura ng iba ang siyay pinapangarap ko
I ended up singing with her, making a toss with our empty glasses, and berating at every fitting lines - just like two foolish people. I had fun and found temporary relief.
To J - Thank you for the 6-long years of constant understanding and persistent listening. Thank you for making yourself available just when I needed last minute meet up, midnight chats and endless drama.
I know I am finding it hard to appreciate my life now, but you - helping me get through this, is never unnoticed. Thank you for the friendship. Cheers!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
What is Love – From a Person who has been Dumped
Flowers, Chocolates, Cake, Novena Prayer, Church-hopping, Game of Thrones Marathon, Movie Dates, Night Market Food Trip, Lomi Cravings, Out of Town Trips, Tambay-Mode at Home, Nightly Conversation, Intertwined Hands, Hugs & Kisses, and Endless Exchange of I love you's
These things rekindle the spark every time I am with you. It sweeps away all my worries and restores those with the warmth of your love. That easy and light feeling that draws a smile in my lips and paints glimmer in my eyes. But after you broke up with me, what is love through the eyes of a person who has been dumped? How do I see relationship now?
For the first 6 months, I miss everything we do, you do for me or I do for you. Our journey together is the greatest story of true love. I do not understand why a love this special just faded away.
For the second half of the year, I realize love is beyond the state of "falling in love" and "being in love".
Love is more than the flowers, chocolates, ice cream, cake, fruits and gifts you give to surprise me;
It is knowing that someone I care about a lot cares about me too.
Love is beyond being novena buddies or visiting different churches with you;
It is believing that someone wishes my wishes and dreams my dream.
Love is not just watching GOT marathon or seeing feel good movies with me;
It is imagining ourselves for a happy never-ending.
Love is not merely stuffing our stomach until full as we satisfy cravings for lomi and other street food,
It is realizing that the best appetizer is laughter shared with you.
Love is not simply about travelling out of towns and having the pictures posted in Facebook;
It is about discovering each others' personality - how we appreciate nature, pay interest to outdoor activities, deal with strangers, react in an inconvenient accommodation, respond to an itinerary gone wrong and yes, even how we tolerate each other's snore as we drift off after an adventure-filled day.
Love is not only about killing time back at home;
It is recognizing that no time is wasted if spent by two people enjoying each other's company.
Love is not purely burning mobile lines every night,
It is understanding that we have each other, just there listening at the end of the line - laughing at our corniest jokes, paying attention at our day-to-day stories, sympathizing at our down moments, encouraging from our personal failures, learning from our inevitable mistakes, rejoicing our little triumph and planning our promising future.
Love is not barely defined by how tight we hold hands and how many hugs, kisses & i love you's we do;
It is feeling genuinely wanted, appreciated, accepted and loved. It is believing that with me is my answered prayer, my "the one" and trusting that you feel exactly the same.
A year after the heartbreak,this is how my perspective on relationship evolves.
Love and Relationship are both a choice. It is surely easy to keep the relationship going and stay magically in love when things are happy, fun and uncomplicated.It is however, evident more clearly when things are off track.
I remember the time when I cannot fully understand why my love is not enough to sustain our relationship and why my effort is fruitless. I finally figured out the answer.
Love and relationship are choices, only the latter requires to be mutual. I chose you, but you didn't choose me - and that ended my favorite love story.
Can I still then love you without a relationship? I guess yes, only in a different form. Because love is also choosing to let go. No matter how much I want to keep you around me, no matter how much i wish you to stay, no matter how much it kills me to see you leave, I have to let you go.
Probably, letting go is the most selfless but the most excruciating form of love. I still do not know how, but I just know I have to. I am letting you go now because I love you.
These things rekindle the spark every time I am with you. It sweeps away all my worries and restores those with the warmth of your love. That easy and light feeling that draws a smile in my lips and paints glimmer in my eyes. But after you broke up with me, what is love through the eyes of a person who has been dumped? How do I see relationship now?
For the first 6 months, I miss everything we do, you do for me or I do for you. Our journey together is the greatest story of true love. I do not understand why a love this special just faded away.
For the second half of the year, I realize love is beyond the state of "falling in love" and "being in love".
Love is more than the flowers, chocolates, ice cream, cake, fruits and gifts you give to surprise me;
It is knowing that someone I care about a lot cares about me too.
Love is beyond being novena buddies or visiting different churches with you;
It is believing that someone wishes my wishes and dreams my dream.
Love is not just watching GOT marathon or seeing feel good movies with me;
It is imagining ourselves for a happy never-ending.
Love is not merely stuffing our stomach until full as we satisfy cravings for lomi and other street food,
It is realizing that the best appetizer is laughter shared with you.
Love is not simply about travelling out of towns and having the pictures posted in Facebook;
It is about discovering each others' personality - how we appreciate nature, pay interest to outdoor activities, deal with strangers, react in an inconvenient accommodation, respond to an itinerary gone wrong and yes, even how we tolerate each other's snore as we drift off after an adventure-filled day.
Love is not only about killing time back at home;
It is recognizing that no time is wasted if spent by two people enjoying each other's company.
Love is not purely burning mobile lines every night,
It is understanding that we have each other, just there listening at the end of the line - laughing at our corniest jokes, paying attention at our day-to-day stories, sympathizing at our down moments, encouraging from our personal failures, learning from our inevitable mistakes, rejoicing our little triumph and planning our promising future.
Love is not barely defined by how tight we hold hands and how many hugs, kisses & i love you's we do;
It is feeling genuinely wanted, appreciated, accepted and loved. It is believing that with me is my answered prayer, my "the one" and trusting that you feel exactly the same.
A year after the heartbreak,this is how my perspective on relationship evolves.
Love and Relationship are both a choice. It is surely easy to keep the relationship going and stay magically in love when things are happy, fun and uncomplicated.It is however, evident more clearly when things are off track.
I remember the time when I cannot fully understand why my love is not enough to sustain our relationship and why my effort is fruitless. I finally figured out the answer.
Love and relationship are choices, only the latter requires to be mutual. I chose you, but you didn't choose me - and that ended my favorite love story.
Can I still then love you without a relationship? I guess yes, only in a different form. Because love is also choosing to let go. No matter how much I want to keep you around me, no matter how much i wish you to stay, no matter how much it kills me to see you leave, I have to let you go.
Probably, letting go is the most selfless but the most excruciating form of love. I still do not know how, but I just know I have to. I am letting you go now because I love you.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
My Pain Scale Rating
After knowing the reason why you broke up with me- “my closure”, I felt I have started from ground 0 again. Only this time it is;
harder than when I heard from your friend that you have moved on,
more painful than when the time you greeted me a day before my birthday,
more throbbing than when I saw Barum,
more difficult than when I met you to give back your bag,
harsher than when I met you to ask something,
more dreadful than knowing that you are just within my vicinity having fun,
nastier than when you sent me SMS as if I was nothing to you,
more heartbreaking than when you seemed to have forgotten all our milestone dates,
crueler than when you said to end the relationship.
The detached tone of your messages, the coldness of your treatment and the finality of your decision cautioned me that I have indeed reached the d.e.a.d. e.n.d.
If I am going to rate what I am feeling right now in a pain-scale, I say it’s 9/10. I feel awful and terrible. It feels like something’s piercing my heart, making sure every vein is bleeding more than usual. And it’s bleeding not for survival, not because some gland in my brain tells my heart to pump, I believe it is bleeding as a reactive action towards the excruciating pain it has to bear.
Not that I am trying to be brave to declare that a pain like this only deserves a 9. It is a 9 because I am saving my 10 for the time I would lose someone, the time you will onboard for Dubai and the time I will learn someone else has taken my place in your heart.
harder than when I heard from your friend that you have moved on,
more painful than when the time you greeted me a day before my birthday,
more throbbing than when I saw Barum,
more difficult than when I met you to give back your bag,
harsher than when I met you to ask something,
more dreadful than knowing that you are just within my vicinity having fun,
nastier than when you sent me SMS as if I was nothing to you,
more heartbreaking than when you seemed to have forgotten all our milestone dates,
crueler than when you said to end the relationship.
The detached tone of your messages, the coldness of your treatment and the finality of your decision cautioned me that I have indeed reached the d.e.a.d. e.n.d.
If I am going to rate what I am feeling right now in a pain-scale, I say it’s 9/10. I feel awful and terrible. It feels like something’s piercing my heart, making sure every vein is bleeding more than usual. And it’s bleeding not for survival, not because some gland in my brain tells my heart to pump, I believe it is bleeding as a reactive action towards the excruciating pain it has to bear.
Not that I am trying to be brave to declare that a pain like this only deserves a 9. It is a 9 because I am saving my 10 for the time I would lose someone, the time you will onboard for Dubai and the time I will learn someone else has taken my place in your heart.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Moving On 101: The Day I Seeked for an Intervention
A day after our closure, everything seemed to be so dark. The summer sun could not clear my blurred and hazy vision. Yesterday’s great news of job offer from a company I have been waiting for did not make my day any brighter.
Sleep did not come. I crawled out of bed for an early jog. My swimming lesson was cancelled for the entire week. I lost my appetite. I could not get you off my mind so I went to Baclaran Church.
I let my guards down, vulnerability crept in and tears automatically rolled down my cheeks. I prayed in between sobs. I narrated to God what happened to “us” like a kid summoning for an ally. I revealed my fears, asked for help and pleaded for strength. I stayed for an hour until I felt the slightest amount of pain burst free out of my chest.
On my way out, I thought of a crazy idea. I looked for a fortune teller! Outside the church, there was a woman with a cardboard on her lap stating “manghuhula”. For 100 pesos, she laid out her tarot cards. She asked me to pick one card, which according to her is a lucky card. She laid more cards and said:
Magkakaroon ka ng magandang trabaho
Magkakapera ka, Swerte ka sa pera
Mag aabroad ka
She stopped and asked me if I have a job or applying overseas. I said none. I did not disclose my job offer which I already accepted earlier that day nor did I share the onshore assignment. But these 3 things she randomly repeated for about 5 to 7 times during the entire session.
She continued reading the cards;
May nagkakagusto sayo
May nagmamahal sayo
May nag-iisip sayo araw-gabi
Mabait kang tao
She paused and asked me if I have a boyfriend. I told her my bf broke up with me last year. She resumed reading the cards and said,
May lalaking nagkakagusto sayo
Kaso pag minahal mo sya, mawawala sya sayo
Mabait ka pero masama kang magalit
Makakabili ka ng bahay mo
When the cards were all laid down the table, she offered for palm reading. I refused. I already given up one - tall mocha frap for this session. Before I leave, she uttered “Miss, alisin mo ang malas sa pag ibig”.
Back home, I had given her foretelling some thought. I disagree in the love life aspect. Absence of a boy friend doesn’t mean I am hapless. It means I am clever enough to wait for the time I have healed and let go. It means I am sensible enough not to jump into another commitment when I am still dealing with emotional baggage. It means I am prudent enough to wait for “the one” and not hasty to settle to “the next one” available.
Although the portion where Madame predicted that I cannot love back a person, I initially assumed it is because I love too much and that drives guys away. A good friend’s interpretation was I could not love ex any further because he’s leaving. But what shook me was my sister’s version which was if I love back, that person is going to die. Ugh!
That moment, I knew I am desperately in need of some sort of assurance that my tomorrow would be a little better no matter how silly this sounds. In the end, it is definitely my choice to believe in the good predictions and to pray more for the unpleasant ones.
Sleep did not come. I crawled out of bed for an early jog. My swimming lesson was cancelled for the entire week. I lost my appetite. I could not get you off my mind so I went to Baclaran Church.
I let my guards down, vulnerability crept in and tears automatically rolled down my cheeks. I prayed in between sobs. I narrated to God what happened to “us” like a kid summoning for an ally. I revealed my fears, asked for help and pleaded for strength. I stayed for an hour until I felt the slightest amount of pain burst free out of my chest.
On my way out, I thought of a crazy idea. I looked for a fortune teller! Outside the church, there was a woman with a cardboard on her lap stating “manghuhula”. For 100 pesos, she laid out her tarot cards. She asked me to pick one card, which according to her is a lucky card. She laid more cards and said:
Magkakaroon ka ng magandang trabaho
Magkakapera ka, Swerte ka sa pera
Mag aabroad ka
She stopped and asked me if I have a job or applying overseas. I said none. I did not disclose my job offer which I already accepted earlier that day nor did I share the onshore assignment. But these 3 things she randomly repeated for about 5 to 7 times during the entire session.
She continued reading the cards;
May nagkakagusto sayo
May nagmamahal sayo
May nag-iisip sayo araw-gabi
Mabait kang tao
She paused and asked me if I have a boyfriend. I told her my bf broke up with me last year. She resumed reading the cards and said,
May lalaking nagkakagusto sayo
Kaso pag minahal mo sya, mawawala sya sayo
Mabait ka pero masama kang magalit
Makakabili ka ng bahay mo
When the cards were all laid down the table, she offered for palm reading. I refused. I already given up one - tall mocha frap for this session. Before I leave, she uttered “Miss, alisin mo ang malas sa pag ibig”.
Back home, I had given her foretelling some thought. I disagree in the love life aspect. Absence of a boy friend doesn’t mean I am hapless. It means I am clever enough to wait for the time I have healed and let go. It means I am sensible enough not to jump into another commitment when I am still dealing with emotional baggage. It means I am prudent enough to wait for “the one” and not hasty to settle to “the next one” available.
Although the portion where Madame predicted that I cannot love back a person, I initially assumed it is because I love too much and that drives guys away. A good friend’s interpretation was I could not love ex any further because he’s leaving. But what shook me was my sister’s version which was if I love back, that person is going to die. Ugh!
That moment, I knew I am desperately in need of some sort of assurance that my tomorrow would be a little better no matter how silly this sounds. In the end, it is definitely my choice to believe in the good predictions and to pray more for the unpleasant ones.
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