What is Love – From a Person who has been Dumped

Flowers, Chocolates, Cake, Novena Prayer, Church-hopping, Game of Thrones Marathon, Movie Dates, Night Market Food Trip, Lomi Cravings, Out of Town Trips, Tambay-Mode at Home, Nightly Conversation, Intertwined Hands, Hugs & Kisses, and Endless Exchange of I love you's

These things rekindle the spark every time I am with you. It sweeps away all my worries and restores those with the warmth of your love. That easy and light feeling that draws a smile in my lips and paints glimmer in my eyes. But after you broke up with me, what is love through the eyes of a person who has been dumped? How do I see relationship now?

For the first 6 months, I miss everything we do, you do for me or I do for you. Our journey together is the greatest story of true love. I do not understand why a love this special just faded away.

For the second half of the year, I realize love is beyond the state of "falling in love" and "being in love".

Love is more than the flowers, chocolates, ice cream, cake, fruits and gifts you give to surprise me;
It is knowing that someone I care about a lot cares about me too.

Love is beyond being novena buddies or visiting different churches with you;
It is believing that someone wishes my wishes and dreams my dream.

Love is not just watching GOT marathon or seeing feel good movies with me;
It is imagining ourselves for a happy never-ending.

Love is not merely stuffing our stomach until full as we satisfy cravings for lomi and other street food,
It is realizing that the best appetizer is laughter shared with you.

Love is not simply about travelling out of towns and having the pictures posted in Facebook;
It is about discovering each others' personality - how we appreciate nature, pay interest to outdoor activities, deal with strangers, react in an inconvenient accommodation, respond to an itinerary gone wrong and yes, even how we tolerate each other's snore as we drift off after an adventure-filled day.

Love is not only about killing time back at home;
It is recognizing that no time is wasted if spent by two people enjoying each other's company.

Love is not purely burning mobile lines every night,
It is understanding that we have each other, just there listening at the end of the line - laughing at our corniest jokes, paying attention at our day-to-day stories, sympathizing at our down moments, encouraging from our personal failures, learning from our inevitable mistakes, rejoicing our little triumph and planning our promising future.

Love is not barely defined by how tight we hold hands and how many hugs, kisses & i love you's we do;
It is feeling genuinely wanted, appreciated, accepted and loved. It is believing that with me is my answered prayer, my "the one" and trusting that you feel exactly the same.

A year after the heartbreak,this is how my perspective on relationship evolves.

Love and Relationship are both a choice. It is surely easy to keep the relationship going and stay magically in love when things are happy, fun and uncomplicated.It is however, evident more clearly when things are off track.

I remember the time when I cannot fully understand why my love is not enough to sustain our relationship and why my effort is fruitless. I finally figured out the answer.

Love and relationship are choices, only the latter requires to be mutual. I chose you, but you didn't choose me - and that ended my favorite love story.

Can I still then love you without a relationship? I guess yes, only in a different form. Because love is also choosing to let go. No matter how much I want to keep you around me, no matter how much i wish you to stay, no matter how much it kills me to see you leave, I have to let you go.

Probably, letting go is the most selfless but the most excruciating form of love. I still do not know how, but I just know I have to. I am letting you go now because I love you.

My Pain Scale Rating

After knowing the reason why you broke up with me- “my closure”, I felt I have started from ground 0 again. Only this time it is;

harder than when I heard from your friend that you have moved on,
more painful than when the time you greeted me a day before my birthday,
more throbbing than when I saw Barum,
more difficult than when I met you to give back your bag,
harsher than when I met you to ask something,
more dreadful than knowing that you are just within my vicinity having fun,
nastier than when you sent me SMS as if I was nothing to you,
more heartbreaking than when you seemed to have forgotten all our milestone dates,
crueler than when you said to end the relationship.

The detached tone of your messages, the coldness of your treatment and the finality of your decision cautioned me that I have indeed reached the d.e.a.d. e.n.d.

If I am going to rate what I am feeling right now in a pain-scale, I say it’s 9/10. I feel awful and terrible. It feels like something’s piercing my heart, making sure every vein is bleeding more than usual. And it’s bleeding not for survival, not because some gland in my brain tells my heart to pump, I believe it is bleeding as a reactive action towards the excruciating pain it has to bear.

Not that I am trying to be brave to declare that a pain like this only deserves a 9. It is a 9 because I am saving my 10 for the time I would lose someone, the time you will onboard for Dubai and the time I will learn someone else has taken my place in your heart.

You can only choose HOW you LET GO

Got this from a book I read last year.

Moving On 101: The Day I Seeked for an Intervention

A day after our closure, everything seemed to be so dark. The summer sun could not clear my blurred and hazy vision. Yesterday’s great news of job offer from a company I have been waiting for did not make my day any brighter.

Sleep did not come. I crawled out of bed for an early jog. My swimming lesson was cancelled for the entire week. I lost my appetite. I could not get you off my mind so I went to Baclaran Church.

I let my guards down, vulnerability crept in and tears automatically rolled down my cheeks. I prayed in between sobs. I narrated to God what happened to “us” like a kid summoning for an ally. I revealed my fears, asked for help and pleaded for strength. I stayed for an hour until I felt the slightest amount of pain burst free out of my chest.

On my way out, I thought of a crazy idea. I looked for a fortune teller! Outside the church, there was a woman with a cardboard on her lap stating “manghuhula”. For 100 pesos, she laid out her tarot cards. She asked me to pick one card, which according to her is a lucky card. She laid more cards and said:

Magkakaroon ka ng magandang trabaho
Magkakapera ka, Swerte ka sa pera
Mag aabroad ka

She stopped and asked me if I have a job or applying overseas. I said none. I did not disclose my job offer which I already accepted earlier that day nor did I share the onshore assignment. But these 3 things she randomly repeated for about 5 to 7 times during the entire session.

She continued reading the cards;

May nagkakagusto sayo
May nagmamahal sayo
May nag-iisip sayo araw-gabi
Mabait kang tao

She paused and asked me if I have a boyfriend. I told her my bf broke up with me last year. She resumed reading the cards and said,

May lalaking nagkakagusto sayo
Kaso pag minahal mo sya, mawawala sya sayo
Mabait ka pero masama kang magalit
Makakabili ka ng bahay mo

When the cards were all laid down the table, she offered for palm reading. I refused. I already given up one - tall mocha frap for this session. Before I leave, she uttered “Miss, alisin mo ang malas sa pag ibig”.

Back home, I had given her foretelling some thought. I disagree in the love life aspect. Absence of a boy friend doesn’t mean I am hapless. It means I am clever enough to wait for the time I have healed and let go. It means I am sensible enough not to jump into another commitment when I am still dealing with emotional baggage. It means I am prudent enough to wait for “the one” and not hasty to settle to “the next one” available.

Although the portion where Madame predicted that I cannot love back a person, I initially assumed it is because I love too much and that drives guys away. A good friend’s interpretation was I could not love ex any further because he’s leaving. But what shook me was my sister’s version which was if I love back, that person is going to die. Ugh!

That moment, I knew I am desperately in need of some sort of assurance that my tomorrow would be a little better no matter how silly this sounds. In the end, it is definitely my choice to believe in the good predictions and to pray more for the unpleasant ones.

Day Trip to Pinatubo Crater

A former officemate and I agreed to visit Mt Pinatubo last March 15. Since we are both single (and apparently fresh from heartbreak) we would consider the trip a celebration of independence.

We contacted TRIPinas Travel and Tour Ventures to avail their Pinatubo Tour Package. I sent an email and received a reply immediately.

We woke up at around 1:30 am and arrived at Mc Donalds, El Pueblo at around 2:30 am. We settled our remaining balance and left for Pinatubo at exactly 3:00 am. I appreciated TRIPinas on how they organized the tour. They assigned us to a van with small groups also. We were comfortable inside the vehicle as there are only 5 of us inside. The other 5 joined us at DAU exit.

The lahar-filled landscape was amazing. The one-hour 4X4 truck ride was super awesome. We stood and gripped at the bars. We twisted at every turn, held tight at river crossing and cheered all through out. I asked the foreigner how was the trip going. He replied Ï am not having fun, I am having a blast!"

The two-hour walk made me panting under the scorching heat of the sun.

The trek left me breathless but reaching the crater was breathtaking!

The Day my EQ Went Down Again

March 23, 2014 could have been our 6th anniversary. A month before you texted me until it somewhat has become a weekly Sunday habit.

I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was strong enough. In every press on “Send” button, I would immediately remind myself that this means nothing, absolutely nothing. We were but two old friends catching up until you asked me if we can meet up.

Flickers of hope rose in me. There was no date yet, but I started to assume that this could be something. I know you are leaving for Dubai, but I led myself to believe that perhaps you are testing the waters before leaving. For a moment, I even fantasized you would stay for me.

On March 23rd, you texted me with your usual “Kumusta ka?” You asked me if I already have a job offer, what my plans are. You also told me you went out of town. It broke me. I know this is so selfish and stupid of me to expect that this day would mean something to you. It moved me to tears but I tried to continue the conversation.

A picture of me you took in Palawan last September 2012.

The next day, I woke up realizing I need to ask you about your plans too and all my unanswered questions. I was saving this moment for our meet up, but I just know that I was not ever ready to see you yet. If I do, I would just probably go begging.

I need to find the answers now. I want to tell you how I feel. I can’t prolong the agony of keeping everything all by myself.

I started with SMS “When do you plan to tell me you have resigned and leaving for Dubai next month?” You were surprised as you are keeping it as a secret even to your family. I also asked you “Why are you texting me, aalis ka din naman pala?”. You replied “Masama na pala magtext dahil paalis na ako”.

You didn’t get it. You could not see the entire picture. It wasn’t wrong if the person you’re texting with has completely moved on. I actually thought I have, but truth is I haven’t. Everyday is still a torment getting out of bed. My morning mantra was “I will get through the 24-hour battle”. I was living only because my physical body says get up but my mind, my heart and my spirit remain lifeless. I was only living to get by, without any directions or motivations. With all honesty I replied, “Kasi hindi pa ako okay”.

I asked you if you could give me the reason for breaking up with me. I needed a closure. You said there was this instance you were sick and I still nagged you. Suddenly you realized you didn’t know me and decided to focus on yourself.

I wanted you to know I also have my share of sacrifices to the relationship you made me believe will last forever. We have series of trials, but I held on. I cried and got mad but I held on. I could not get why a “hump-like” fight have turned out like this when we have surpassed “mountain-like” problems.

Perhaps, the flaws I accepted in you were far, far greater than the flaws you can bear for me.

I sent long messages telling you instances when you have neglected me and hurt me, but I have chosen to forgive you. Your only response was “that’s why I do not deserve you”.

This was ultimately not the sort of reply from a person who wants to make amends. This was simply a reply from a person letting go of me. This hit me real bad.

I also sent you long messages that I wish this never happened. That moment, I regretted the day I said yes to you and every single moment I chose you. You never replied.

And when reality sets in, it sucks big time!

I also tried to remember what happened on that day and gave you my side of the story. Still, no reply.

After bringing myself into another humiliating situation, I know the world would roll their eyes telling me to stop this craziness, move on and find someone else.

Yes, telling you how I feel did not change a thing. But I need to do this. I know you, you don’t just give up. You will find ways to be with me again. You will try to win me back. You can’t stand to see me suffering. This is how much I trust you. And for the longest time, this is the reason why I am holding on. But when you told me earlier, you do not know me, should I be the one asking you that instead? Am I wrong about you all along? Do I really know you?

This is the last part of the story I never imagined would end. I do not know how to start but I know I cannot go back. I already heard it from you.

Tipid Trip in Tanay Rizal

Need an easy get away from Manila?

My friends and I went to Tanay Rizal last February 23.
We met at MRT- Cubao Station at around 6:00 am. We rode a jeepney going to Junction, then from Junction we rode another jeepney to Tanay market. Finally, we rode a tricycle to take us to our destination.

Our first destination is Calinawan Cave. It is an easy trail but for adventure seekers, watch out this month as level 3 to 5 is about to open.

From there, kuya driver led us to a dirt road, which is a short cut to our Lady of Rawang. He actually saved us from climbing 200+ steps uphill.

Next, we took a plunge at Daranak Falls. If you plan to take a dip, I strongly suggest to get in there during weekdays. It is super crowded on weekends.

We proceeded to Batlag Falls, which is a private property. It is smaller than Daranak Falls but you can swim as there are only few people staying here.

We also went to Church and finally to Parola.

Expenses
MRT = 11
Lunch (Jollibee) = 150
Jeepney Fare(Cubao to Ever) = 8
Jeepney Fare(Ever to Junction = 14
Jeepney Fare(Junction to Rizal) = 45
Tricycle Tour (700/3 pax) = 233
Calinawan Entrance = 40
Tour Guide (100/3 pax) = 33.33
Daranak Falls Entrance = 50
Batlag Falls Entrance = 100
Liempo (for lunch) = 50
Fx Fare from Tanay to Starmall = 75

Total = 809.33

The tour is not as awesome as my other trips but for 800 pesos, this is something!

Got my Free Hug Today!

Since my "the feast" buddies aren't available, I decided to attend alone this weekly prayer gathering of the Light of Jesus family. I chose the vacant area at the back so I do not have to deal with uncomfortable stares of my seatmates when asked to greet/speak to each other.

The topic is about detoxifying ill feelings. Obviously, this is something I really need to hear right now. During the prayer meeting, just when I decided it's time to start letting go of the expired anger and pain in my heart(by the way, "ex" is going to Dubai and such idea made me sick), Bro. Bo asked to hug somebody beside us and to tell that person he/she is amazing! I just bowed my head since chairs on both sides were empty. When I opened my eyes, a lady standing 4 seats from where I stood approached me, smiled at me and whispered "I think you also need a hug".

She embraced me tightly and I hugged her back. We did not get to tell the words. But even without it, the lady's generosity for hugs made me feel really amazing!

Could this be an affirmation from God that today is the best time to release all the overdue aches in my heart?

Perhaps,it is! And to that wonderful lady, thank you for hugging that tiny little girl wearing pink and faded blue jeans. Thank you so much!