Sagada

I used to believe this place is enchanted and whoever I bring with me here will be the “one”. I used to think it’s going to be HIM. Funny I went there without him in hope to even forget about him.

The trip was so much fun. I exchanged smile, nod and engage to some small chat to people I hardly knew. This isn’t me but it’s not yet too late to get a bit sociable I think.

Looking back, I couldn’t say I was able to completely forget about him as much as I wanted to, but there were 5 surprising things I have realized in Sagada:


1. I can pack my stuff and carry my own bag.
Good thing my officemates’ birthday gift was a bag organizer. It works wonders! When I would just throw my clothes off since I knew someone’s going to pick it up, this time I folded them neatly so it will be easier for me to pack when leaving.

And since there’s no one around to help me with my luggage, I carried them without ranting. Yeah it’s heavy, (the idea of packing light still puzzles me) but I can manage the weight on my back. I am stronger now.


2. I can nurse myself.
We trekked to Big Falls between rain showers and scorching heat. I wrapped myself with plastic bag to avoid getting wet and then remove them when mr. sun drains the sweat out of me. When we got back to our accommodation, I ensured I took medicine because I felt like am going to catch colds and fever.

The next day, we did spelunking and as expected I had my share of bruises and scratches. When I would just let the blood dripping until “he” cleans the wound, this time I ran to my first aid kit upon my return and attended to my personal emergency.


3. I love mountains.
Mountains for me are boring; beaches are cool! Just when I thought I would just sleep all the way there, I was actually wide awake enjoying the view while Katy Perry songs were played in background. The sunlight, the tress, never ending trees and shadows – everything was perfect!

4. Someone can still be concerned about me even if he is not my boyfriend.
I have known this person since we are 7 years old. But we never really became close. He used to have his own circle of friends and I have mine. We talk, yes but never the “buddy buddy type” up until I shared to him my failed fairy tale story (By the way, he is bf’s bestfriend and our supposed “best man”.).

Going back, he asked for the name of my companion going to Sagada. He called me just to check if I was doing okay. He even gave me the “ultimate kicking tip” if ever some guy advances while I am asleep.

Being acrophobic makes me shrug at the idea of trekking and spelunking. But I didn’t want to miss them too. Whenever my knees tremble from fear of heights, fear from sliding, fear from falling, I would call my new friend and he was always willing to give a hand. Upon our return from the falls, it was already dark, and I can’t seem to notice which one is the danger side, everything is pitch black… Stopping is also not an option. He held my hand tightly and calmed me when he feels am shaking. He also checked on me if I was feeling hungry or uncomfortable. He was really nice to me.

So there, I used to think being single means no one’s going to care for me anymore. These wonderful people made me think twice. Just glad I have them around.


5. I can have FUN!
Whenever I go to somewhere nice, I always wish bf was there too. I always feel incomplete whenever I don’t get to share wonderful stuff with him. But while I was there, I feel so free. No more wishing he was there, no more hoping he can see the things I see and experience the things I enjoy.

I am just happy I went there.

Trip Away from You

Last night, I ran to the grocery store to buy some toiletries and food. Then it occurred to me that I used to buy these things for two. I also have to grab a first aid kit because there’s no one to look after me anymore. While packing, I also have to bring things I only need, leaving no room for extra clothes in my effort to pack light.

When will I ever learn not to think about you, not to reminisce on our fallen dreams?

Remember the time I told you, I will go to Sagada and have my own version of “eat, pray and love” if you ever leave me again? You replied you will be coming with me because it is not safe to be travelling on my own there.  In few hours, I am going there without you.

Aside from the Christmas season, holy week is another time I always long to spend with you. For 8 consecutive years, I never missed “penetensya” in our town. I used to walk with you then.  Now I choose to trek in a mountainous area, summon what little strength remaining of me, defy my acrophobia and be surrounded with people I barely know - to help myself move on.

Hope this works. If not, I do not know where else to run.

the Break up

I’m a Jenifer Aniston fan. We watched this movie early this year. He hates Vince Vaughn character there.  Not knowing he is acting like “Gary” after all. L

Hope I can say this to him:

Brooke: I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.

Missing Him

I totally miss him today more than ever. Yesterday was our supposed 5^th anniversary. As usual, I was out the whole day trying to forget about everything. I tried to divert my attention. But today, I am tired of pretending I am okay. I am tired of putting an effort to get him out of my mind.

I just want to stay in bed and cry. Right now, it’s his face I want to see. It’s his voice I want to hear. I miss the days we would talk about our day, we would laugh about our craziness, we would inspire each other, we would dream together. If he’s going to tell me he wants me back right here, right now, without hesitation I will accept him.

Yeah, he is my greatest fan. He encourages me to believe in myself. He accepts me – warts, scars and all. He listens to my rants. He handles my tantrums. He laughs at my jokes. He supports my crazy ideas. He is my security blanket. He waits for me until I’m home. He is my human alarm clock. His morning text wakes me up. He calls me when I’m not yet online by 10:00 am on a weekday. He is my sleeping pill. His sweet words put me sound asleep. He is my travel buddy. He goes wherever I want to go.

Perfect isn’t he? It is true; I will never find someone like him. But if he doesn’t care about “us” anymore, I hope someone better is waiting for me.

Someone who makes me feel good about myself.

Someone who makes me feel I am irreplaceable.  

Someone who loves to spend time with me.

Someone who holds my hand when in front of his friends.

Someone who is proud of me, as his girlfriend.

Someone who makes an effort to know my friends, but doesn’t flirt with them.

Someone who fights to be with me no matter what.

Someone who cares about what I feel.

Someone who never gives up on me.

Someone who says he loves me and truly means it.

If only I could turn back the time you are the person I have known 5 years ago - that person who is so afraid to lose me. But life doesn’t work like this. If only it does, surely there’s no one else in the world who could be happier more than I do.

If Only.

Does she know you more than I do now?

Does she know your favorite chocolate is M&M Peanut?
Does she know you love Dinuguan and Kutsinta?
Does she know your knees already ache when you eat beans?

Does she know you hate giving flowers?
    (Either you will put it inside your bag or wrap newspaper around it.)
Does she know you always wanted to go to Ilocos in a roadtrip?

Does she know you collect 10 peso coin to feed your coinbank named wolverine?
    (We often rant when we receive 10 peso coins because we know it is to be reserved)
Does she know you have a big crush with Ann, Angel and Maja?

Does she know you don't have patience repeating your words?
    (I should get you at once or twice, or never hear what you said at all)
Does she know you easily get irritated on tardiness?
    (I learned to be on time, to prepare less and to walk fast to catch up with you)
Does she know when you talk over the phone, you should be sitting?
     (Else, snore will be your response)

Does she know when you drink medicine, you are seriously ill?
Does she know that too much sweets gives you sore throat at an instant?
Does she know that you have cramps at night?

Does she know you more than I do... now?

But regardless of what I know, it still didn't make you want to stay with me.

It’s 14th – Rain Day

Yes, he can forget about every 23^rd of the month or April 9, May 1 or even my birthday, but hopefully not this one. I said a little prayer this morning, hope he remembered too.

Today is going to be a great day. Amen! J

Messed Up

For the past 3 days, I…

Plunged in water spa. Splurged in shopping. Cried a river.

Rushed to a laser beauty treatment. Worked out in the gym. Watched a movie. Sang my heart out in videoke. Chatted with a good friend.

Immersed in work. Watched the same movie. Texted a friend while tears lulled me to sleep.

I am completely messed up. Not quite sure if this is moving on or am just in denial. I am caught between what I want and what should I do. My mind and body want to get moving but my heart betrays all my efforts. L

Can somebody tell me if Im on the right track?