Moving on 101: The Day You Left

"Little by Little" is my new mantra. Everytime I feel uneasy, I would say these words while clasping my heart.It makes me feel quite okay. It reminds me that "time" really takes time. I should never expect that the pain will just be gone over night. But I am getting better gradually. I am better than yesterday.

And there goes my night time cries for a week. I was so afraid of this day that I thought crying in advance would somehow lessen the pain. It didn't until yestermorning. I woke up, I could barely stand straight.I cannot fully shift my weight to my right foot.

Since I have a meeting with my philam agent, I managed to go to Makati. My agent is around 55 years old with a very motherly aura. When she asked if Im okay, I told her I wasn't. We talked for about 2 hours. She made me feel alright.She encouraged me to pray more and to ask God to take away the pain so I can start over again.

Back home, after crossng 1 underpass and 1 overpass, I was twisting in pain. My foor really hurts. I tried cold compress plus mefenamic tablet but those did not make me feel better.

Night time was more difficult. I barely slept. I was wide awake from 2 am until 6 am, then I realized that today's the day you are leaving. Today, my pain meter will reach the most dreadful 10 rating! I sent a text message to say my good bye. You replied "be safe, take care. Bye for now." My foot was throbbing and so was my heart that I could no longer distinguish what am I crying for.


I was rushed to emergency room and was injected with steroid. When I was released from the hospital after 2 hours, I made this mistake of checking facebook in my sister's phone. I saw your post which is something like "All my bags packed". Another bomb dropped to my heart. Betrayal, anger, hurt, rejection, self pity and other emotions I have never known just kept on exploding inside. The pain lasted for 1 hour.

This is it. My painscale of 10. Someone told me to look at the silverlining. While I am agonizing in pain, I noticed there is no more denial! You are not mine and will never be mine. We are now two diferrent people with different lives. We are two different people chasing different dreams.

The day you left is
the day my dreams are no longer true
the day my past is sealed to nothing
the day my heart learns to unlove you
And the day I let you go.

Moving On 101: The Day I Realized Fate was Never on our Side

I used to believe in destiny. I used to believe that God carefully arranged each one of us a beautiful love story, a fairy tale like no other. In his perfect timing, everything will just fall into place.

For me, ours is the most wonderful story. However looking back, I realized it isn't perfectly crafted. There were red flags along the way and I was too stubborn that I ignored them.

In 2006 or 2007, we were not yet "us". I actually turned you down then. We decided to meet up so could talk things over. You wanted to know the reason why I can't commit. Before seeing you, I asked for a sign that if you wear anything pink, I will say yes instead. You wore white polo shirt and blue jeans. I stick with my initial decision.

In March 23 of 2008, you offered to accompany me to Manila. I asked for the same sign. I have forgotten what you wore but it was not pink, not even a pink dot. But when you held my hand, I knew it is the perfect time to say yes. It felt good.

When you decided to re-model your house,you told me you needed to save. You would not be able to go to Manila as much as you wanted to. But before your project, you invited me for our biggest date ever. I was not sure I'll go with you so I asked for a sign. While having dinner at MOA, I prayed that if a nun walks passed me, then I would say No to you. Guess what, just a few minutes later, I saw not one, but 3 nuns walked and smiled at me. I still said yes to you.

The last time we met, I prayed that if you wore the pink couple shirt I gave you 2 Christmases ago, it was a sign that I can take you back. You wore white shirt.

All signs tell me we are not meant to be.

After our closure, you told me you are not going to text me anymore. But last Sunday, you asked me if we could meet up. But our schedule did not meet and no one wanted to make an adjustment.

To be honest, I wanted to see you. But I have to be firm because I have to take care of myself too.Im afraid the meet up will give me more harm than good. So I replied "Baka hindi na talaga meant na magkita tayo."

Last Thusday, my meetings were moved and suddenly it matched your schedule. I texted you, you did not reply. Later that night you said you left your phone at home.

The next day, I went home. I was already in the jeepney when you texted me where was I.

See? It was only a matter of few minutes between hopping on that jeepney and receiving your message. We really are not really meant to see each other. But aside from fate, I guess neither of us wanted to exert more effort. Perhaps, I am beginning to lose my grip and seeing you cannot make even the smallest difference.

Moving on 101: The Day I Sang in Videoke Bar

It's been quite a while since I went to a videoke bar. A very good friend "J" invited me there. She passed her certification which is a call for celebration. And here I am, choosing to move on which is a cause of depression. BAM !

We sang our hearts out,filled our stomach and drank T-ice from 6:00 till 11:00 pm. We would stop every now and then and just ate dinner, talked about our day, mused over our failed relationships, bragged about our epic stories of winning affection and laughed at our heroic but dumb and never-to-do-again quest for love. When my eyes got moist, we would sing again and repeat the drill.

For our final song, I chose "Halaga" and J sang it. Every line suddenly made sense.

Umiiyak ka na naman
Langya talaga , wala ka bang ibang alam
Namumugtong mga mata
Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa

Sa problema na iyong pinapasan
Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihan
May kwento kang pandrama na naman

Parang pang TV na walang katapusan
Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyan
Hindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahan
Ang pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga
Na wala nang ginagawa kundi ang paluhain ka

Chorus:
Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang makitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga

Hindi na dapat pag-usapan pa
Nagpapagod na rin ako sa aking kakasalita
Hindi ka rin naman nakikinig
Kahit sobrang pagod na ang aking bibig

Sa mga payo kong di mo pinapansin
Akala moy nakikinig di rin naman tatanggapin
Ayoko nang isipin pa
Di ko alam bat di mo makayanan na iwanan sya

Ang dami-dami naman diyang iba
Wag kang mangangambang baka wala ka nang ibang Makita
Na lalake na magmamahal sayo
At hinding hindi nya sasayangin ang pag-ibig mo

Minsan hindi ko maintindihan
Parang ang buhay natin ay napagti-tripan
Medyo Malabo yata ang mundo
Binabasura ng iba ang siyay pinapangarap ko

I ended up singing with her, making a toss with our empty glasses, and berating at every fitting lines - just like two foolish people. I had fun and found temporary relief.

To J - Thank you for the 6-long years of constant understanding and persistent listening. Thank you for making yourself available just when I needed last minute meet up, midnight chats and endless drama.

I know I am finding it hard to appreciate my life now, but you - helping me get through this, is never unnoticed. Thank you for the friendship. Cheers!