Trip Away from You

Last night, I ran to the grocery store to buy some toiletries and food. Then it occurred to me that I used to buy these things for two. I also have to grab a first aid kit because there’s no one to look after me anymore. While packing, I also have to bring things I only need, leaving no room for extra clothes in my effort to pack light.

When will I ever learn not to think about you, not to reminisce on our fallen dreams?

Remember the time I told you, I will go to Sagada and have my own version of “eat, pray and love” if you ever leave me again? You replied you will be coming with me because it is not safe to be travelling on my own there.  In few hours, I am going there without you.

Aside from the Christmas season, holy week is another time I always long to spend with you. For 8 consecutive years, I never missed “penetensya” in our town. I used to walk with you then.  Now I choose to trek in a mountainous area, summon what little strength remaining of me, defy my acrophobia and be surrounded with people I barely know - to help myself move on.

Hope this works. If not, I do not know where else to run.

the Break up

I’m a Jenifer Aniston fan. We watched this movie early this year. He hates Vince Vaughn character there.  Not knowing he is acting like “Gary” after all. L

Hope I can say this to him:

Brooke: I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.

Missing Him

I totally miss him today more than ever. Yesterday was our supposed 5^th anniversary. As usual, I was out the whole day trying to forget about everything. I tried to divert my attention. But today, I am tired of pretending I am okay. I am tired of putting an effort to get him out of my mind.

I just want to stay in bed and cry. Right now, it’s his face I want to see. It’s his voice I want to hear. I miss the days we would talk about our day, we would laugh about our craziness, we would inspire each other, we would dream together. If he’s going to tell me he wants me back right here, right now, without hesitation I will accept him.

Yeah, he is my greatest fan. He encourages me to believe in myself. He accepts me – warts, scars and all. He listens to my rants. He handles my tantrums. He laughs at my jokes. He supports my crazy ideas. He is my security blanket. He waits for me until I’m home. He is my human alarm clock. His morning text wakes me up. He calls me when I’m not yet online by 10:00 am on a weekday. He is my sleeping pill. His sweet words put me sound asleep. He is my travel buddy. He goes wherever I want to go.

Perfect isn’t he? It is true; I will never find someone like him. But if he doesn’t care about “us” anymore, I hope someone better is waiting for me.

Someone who makes me feel good about myself.

Someone who makes me feel I am irreplaceable.  

Someone who loves to spend time with me.

Someone who holds my hand when in front of his friends.

Someone who is proud of me, as his girlfriend.

Someone who makes an effort to know my friends, but doesn’t flirt with them.

Someone who fights to be with me no matter what.

Someone who cares about what I feel.

Someone who never gives up on me.

Someone who says he loves me and truly means it.

If only I could turn back the time you are the person I have known 5 years ago - that person who is so afraid to lose me. But life doesn’t work like this. If only it does, surely there’s no one else in the world who could be happier more than I do.

If Only.

Does she know you more than I do now?

Does she know your favorite chocolate is M&M Peanut?
Does she know you love Dinuguan and Kutsinta?
Does she know your knees already ache when you eat beans?

Does she know you hate giving flowers?
    (Either you will put it inside your bag or wrap newspaper around it.)
Does she know you always wanted to go to Ilocos in a roadtrip?

Does she know you collect 10 peso coin to feed your coinbank named wolverine?
    (We often rant when we receive 10 peso coins because we know it is to be reserved)
Does she know you have a big crush with Ann, Angel and Maja?

Does she know you don't have patience repeating your words?
    (I should get you at once or twice, or never hear what you said at all)
Does she know you easily get irritated on tardiness?
    (I learned to be on time, to prepare less and to walk fast to catch up with you)
Does she know when you talk over the phone, you should be sitting?
     (Else, snore will be your response)

Does she know when you drink medicine, you are seriously ill?
Does she know that too much sweets gives you sore throat at an instant?
Does she know that you have cramps at night?

Does she know you more than I do... now?

But regardless of what I know, it still didn't make you want to stay with me.

It’s 14th – Rain Day

Yes, he can forget about every 23^rd of the month or April 9, May 1 or even my birthday, but hopefully not this one. I said a little prayer this morning, hope he remembered too.

Today is going to be a great day. Amen! J

Messed Up

For the past 3 days, I…

Plunged in water spa. Splurged in shopping. Cried a river.

Rushed to a laser beauty treatment. Worked out in the gym. Watched a movie. Sang my heart out in videoke. Chatted with a good friend.

Immersed in work. Watched the same movie. Texted a friend while tears lulled me to sleep.

I am completely messed up. Not quite sure if this is moving on or am just in denial. I am caught between what I want and what should I do. My mind and body want to get moving but my heart betrays all my efforts. L

Can somebody tell me if Im on the right track?

Dreaming of You

A couple of nights ago, I dreamt of him. I was sitting between him and a friend. My friend was holding my hand as if trying to keep me away from him. But he extended his hand, trying to reach me. I never really get to decide because I woke up.

So what does this mean?

I want to believe it is a sign that he wants me back. I love to believe he finally realizes my worth. But there’s a huge difference between what I want and what he wants.  I know these will never happen. For a person whose ego grows larger than life, I say it is impossible.   This is what he always wanted - freedom to spend time with his buddies. I know he is happy now.

It’s just sad after weeks and weeks of trying to survive, I am back again to ground zero of moving on.

Another Act of Kindness

Starting today, I resolve to appreciate the good stuff that usually go unnoticed.  Lately, I have been busy feeling hurt that I fail to see the small things that are actually going right in my life. Here’s one:

On my way back to Manila, I checked my fare and found that from 126 pesos, the conductor only asked for 106 pesos.

To my surprise, he said "Miss, discounted ka."

Then I thought, "Do I look like a senior citizen or a student?" I would like to think of the latter. J

Thank you Mr. Good Samaritan! Thank you for the discount. But more importantly- thank you for that split of a second; I forgot how terrible I feel inside.

Letter to My Heart

Dear Heart,

Every night I feel your beat. The labored thumps you exert just to keep me breathing. The burden you bear to keep me going. The pain you endure to keep me moving. And in the morning, I feel the same rhythm you struggle to sustain to keep me from falling apart.

It’s ironic that you feel heavy and empty at the same time.

I am sorry for putting you through this. That someone who can mend you has gone away. He ran off with his heart still whole, while you are left crushed. I am sorry I was caught off guard and was not able to protect you.

Please hold on. If only I could bring back that light and easy feeling.  But I am afraid it would take long, really long. So please hang on. I promise that once I get you back to normal, I will never allow you to go through this again.

Please hold on,,, for me.