One Last Try

I wanted to meet him. I insisted. He came.Yeah, he came.
But I saw the disgust in his eyes when he saw me.
I am no longer his special girl.
We didn't talk. He left immediately.

I asked his bestfriend if he could make ex change his mind about me.
So he told ex that I wasn't okay and was always crying.
No, ex did'nt text or check me.

My friend told me ex was completely okay.
He's with a girl I often tell ex he can't flirt with.
He often hang around with his friends.
He's okay, more than okay actually.

I asked again his bestfriend if there's a chance we will be back again.
He said NONE.

My sister told me she's going to show me something.
But it will surely hurt me.
I said NO.

Today I sent him the video I was supposed to give him on his birthday.
I have sent him my last straw.
My last attempt to win him back.
My last hope.

Sagada

I used to believe this place is enchanted and whoever I bring with me here will be the “one”. I used to think it’s going to be HIM. Funny I went there without him in hope to even forget about him.

The trip was so much fun. I exchanged smile, nod and engage to some small chat to people I hardly knew. This isn’t me but it’s not yet too late to get a bit sociable I think.

Looking back, I couldn’t say I was able to completely forget about him as much as I wanted to, but there were 5 surprising things I have realized in Sagada:


1. I can pack my stuff and carry my own bag.
Good thing my officemates’ birthday gift was a bag organizer. It works wonders! When I would just throw my clothes off since I knew someone’s going to pick it up, this time I folded them neatly so it will be easier for me to pack when leaving.

And since there’s no one around to help me with my luggage, I carried them without ranting. Yeah it’s heavy, (the idea of packing light still puzzles me) but I can manage the weight on my back. I am stronger now.


2. I can nurse myself.
We trekked to Big Falls between rain showers and scorching heat. I wrapped myself with plastic bag to avoid getting wet and then remove them when mr. sun drains the sweat out of me. When we got back to our accommodation, I ensured I took medicine because I felt like am going to catch colds and fever.

The next day, we did spelunking and as expected I had my share of bruises and scratches. When I would just let the blood dripping until “he” cleans the wound, this time I ran to my first aid kit upon my return and attended to my personal emergency.


3. I love mountains.
Mountains for me are boring; beaches are cool! Just when I thought I would just sleep all the way there, I was actually wide awake enjoying the view while Katy Perry songs were played in background. The sunlight, the tress, never ending trees and shadows – everything was perfect!

4. Someone can still be concerned about me even if he is not my boyfriend.
I have known this person since we are 7 years old. But we never really became close. He used to have his own circle of friends and I have mine. We talk, yes but never the “buddy buddy type” up until I shared to him my failed fairy tale story (By the way, he is bf’s bestfriend and our supposed “best man”.).

Going back, he asked for the name of my companion going to Sagada. He called me just to check if I was doing okay. He even gave me the “ultimate kicking tip” if ever some guy advances while I am asleep.

Being acrophobic makes me shrug at the idea of trekking and spelunking. But I didn’t want to miss them too. Whenever my knees tremble from fear of heights, fear from sliding, fear from falling, I would call my new friend and he was always willing to give a hand. Upon our return from the falls, it was already dark, and I can’t seem to notice which one is the danger side, everything is pitch black… Stopping is also not an option. He held my hand tightly and calmed me when he feels am shaking. He also checked on me if I was feeling hungry or uncomfortable. He was really nice to me.

So there, I used to think being single means no one’s going to care for me anymore. These wonderful people made me think twice. Just glad I have them around.


5. I can have FUN!
Whenever I go to somewhere nice, I always wish bf was there too. I always feel incomplete whenever I don’t get to share wonderful stuff with him. But while I was there, I feel so free. No more wishing he was there, no more hoping he can see the things I see and experience the things I enjoy.

I am just happy I went there.

Trip Away from You

Last night, I ran to the grocery store to buy some toiletries and food. Then it occurred to me that I used to buy these things for two. I also have to grab a first aid kit because there’s no one to look after me anymore. While packing, I also have to bring things I only need, leaving no room for extra clothes in my effort to pack light.

When will I ever learn not to think about you, not to reminisce on our fallen dreams?

Remember the time I told you, I will go to Sagada and have my own version of “eat, pray and love” if you ever leave me again? You replied you will be coming with me because it is not safe to be travelling on my own there.  In few hours, I am going there without you.

Aside from the Christmas season, holy week is another time I always long to spend with you. For 8 consecutive years, I never missed “penetensya” in our town. I used to walk with you then.  Now I choose to trek in a mountainous area, summon what little strength remaining of me, defy my acrophobia and be surrounded with people I barely know - to help myself move on.

Hope this works. If not, I do not know where else to run.

the Break up

I’m a Jenifer Aniston fan. We watched this movie early this year. He hates Vince Vaughn character there.  Not knowing he is acting like “Gary” after all. L

Hope I can say this to him:

Brooke: I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.

Missing Him

I totally miss him today more than ever. Yesterday was our supposed 5^th anniversary. As usual, I was out the whole day trying to forget about everything. I tried to divert my attention. But today, I am tired of pretending I am okay. I am tired of putting an effort to get him out of my mind.

I just want to stay in bed and cry. Right now, it’s his face I want to see. It’s his voice I want to hear. I miss the days we would talk about our day, we would laugh about our craziness, we would inspire each other, we would dream together. If he’s going to tell me he wants me back right here, right now, without hesitation I will accept him.

Yeah, he is my greatest fan. He encourages me to believe in myself. He accepts me – warts, scars and all. He listens to my rants. He handles my tantrums. He laughs at my jokes. He supports my crazy ideas. He is my security blanket. He waits for me until I’m home. He is my human alarm clock. His morning text wakes me up. He calls me when I’m not yet online by 10:00 am on a weekday. He is my sleeping pill. His sweet words put me sound asleep. He is my travel buddy. He goes wherever I want to go.

Perfect isn’t he? It is true; I will never find someone like him. But if he doesn’t care about “us” anymore, I hope someone better is waiting for me.

Someone who makes me feel good about myself.

Someone who makes me feel I am irreplaceable.  

Someone who loves to spend time with me.

Someone who holds my hand when in front of his friends.

Someone who is proud of me, as his girlfriend.

Someone who makes an effort to know my friends, but doesn’t flirt with them.

Someone who fights to be with me no matter what.

Someone who cares about what I feel.

Someone who never gives up on me.

Someone who says he loves me and truly means it.

If only I could turn back the time you are the person I have known 5 years ago - that person who is so afraid to lose me. But life doesn’t work like this. If only it does, surely there’s no one else in the world who could be happier more than I do.

If Only.

Does she know you more than I do now?

Does she know your favorite chocolate is M&M Peanut?
Does she know you love Dinuguan and Kutsinta?
Does she know your knees already ache when you eat beans?

Does she know you hate giving flowers?
    (Either you will put it inside your bag or wrap newspaper around it.)
Does she know you always wanted to go to Ilocos in a roadtrip?

Does she know you collect 10 peso coin to feed your coinbank named wolverine?
    (We often rant when we receive 10 peso coins because we know it is to be reserved)
Does she know you have a big crush with Ann, Angel and Maja?

Does she know you don't have patience repeating your words?
    (I should get you at once or twice, or never hear what you said at all)
Does she know you easily get irritated on tardiness?
    (I learned to be on time, to prepare less and to walk fast to catch up with you)
Does she know when you talk over the phone, you should be sitting?
     (Else, snore will be your response)

Does she know when you drink medicine, you are seriously ill?
Does she know that too much sweets gives you sore throat at an instant?
Does she know that you have cramps at night?

Does she know you more than I do... now?

But regardless of what I know, it still didn't make you want to stay with me.

It’s 14th – Rain Day

Yes, he can forget about every 23^rd of the month or April 9, May 1 or even my birthday, but hopefully not this one. I said a little prayer this morning, hope he remembered too.

Today is going to be a great day. Amen! J

Messed Up

For the past 3 days, I…

Plunged in water spa. Splurged in shopping. Cried a river.

Rushed to a laser beauty treatment. Worked out in the gym. Watched a movie. Sang my heart out in videoke. Chatted with a good friend.

Immersed in work. Watched the same movie. Texted a friend while tears lulled me to sleep.

I am completely messed up. Not quite sure if this is moving on or am just in denial. I am caught between what I want and what should I do. My mind and body want to get moving but my heart betrays all my efforts. L

Can somebody tell me if Im on the right track?

Dreaming of You

A couple of nights ago, I dreamt of him. I was sitting between him and a friend. My friend was holding my hand as if trying to keep me away from him. But he extended his hand, trying to reach me. I never really get to decide because I woke up.

So what does this mean?

I want to believe it is a sign that he wants me back. I love to believe he finally realizes my worth. But there’s a huge difference between what I want and what he wants.  I know these will never happen. For a person whose ego grows larger than life, I say it is impossible.   This is what he always wanted - freedom to spend time with his buddies. I know he is happy now.

It’s just sad after weeks and weeks of trying to survive, I am back again to ground zero of moving on.

Another Act of Kindness

Starting today, I resolve to appreciate the good stuff that usually go unnoticed.  Lately, I have been busy feeling hurt that I fail to see the small things that are actually going right in my life. Here’s one:

On my way back to Manila, I checked my fare and found that from 126 pesos, the conductor only asked for 106 pesos.

To my surprise, he said "Miss, discounted ka."

Then I thought, "Do I look like a senior citizen or a student?" I would like to think of the latter. J

Thank you Mr. Good Samaritan! Thank you for the discount. But more importantly- thank you for that split of a second; I forgot how terrible I feel inside.

Letter to My Heart

Dear Heart,

Every night I feel your beat. The labored thumps you exert just to keep me breathing. The burden you bear to keep me going. The pain you endure to keep me moving. And in the morning, I feel the same rhythm you struggle to sustain to keep me from falling apart.

It’s ironic that you feel heavy and empty at the same time.

I am sorry for putting you through this. That someone who can mend you has gone away. He ran off with his heart still whole, while you are left crushed. I am sorry I was caught off guard and was not able to protect you.

Please hold on. If only I could bring back that light and easy feeling.  But I am afraid it would take long, really long. So please hang on. I promise that once I get you back to normal, I will never allow you to go through this again.

Please hold on,,, for me.

Maybe Someday…

A friend told me I should be writing something happy here. I then realized that I have always wanted to create my own blog. I plan to share how we started. I would also write about our travels. By the time our kids are old enough, they can read our love story.

Our relationship has already ended. But once I gather my strength to look back, I'll write about it. I maybe devastated now, but I know that 5-year with him is still worth telling.

Song for the Week

Director’s cut by Kamikazee:

This song perfectly describes how am feeling lately. I have been playing it over and over again.

Lumingon sandali lang

Bago mo tuluyang iwan

Nais kong

Sumigaw, palabas at sabihin sa iyo ang lahat

 Tumakbo, palayo at iiwanan na ang alala mo

Nanginginig, nalulungkot, nahihibang at tulala

Pagod na yata ang ngiti, nauubos din ang tuwa

Nag iisa, umiiyak, nahihirapang huminga

Pagod na yata ang ngiti, nauubos din ang tuwa

Nanginginig, nalulungkot

Lumingon sandali lang

Bago mo tuluyang iwan

Nais kong

Sumigaw, palabas at sabihin sa iyo ang lahat

Tumakbo, palayo at iiwanan na ang alala mo

At kung hindi na babalik

Sana sa pagising ay wala na ang nadaramang sakit

At kung hindi na babalik

Ipipilit sa sarili na hindi ako ang nagkamali

Just Asking

Why on earth I swallowed my pride and greeted him on his birthday, yet he never remembered me yesterday? Can a person be really that mean?

Is it really goodbye?

It was your birthday yesterday. I have already let go my idea of surprising you. After all my efforts have gone to waste, I still chose to greet you in a text message. Yet, I really felt devastated when you only replied “salamat po”. Nothing more.

It pains me to think your friends surprised you and that you were actually with them. (Isn’t that supposed to be my place?) It was unfair to think that you are moving on and I am stuck. You seem okay, and I am not.

I wish the day would come you are just a name to me. I need to accept that you have broken up with me. The revelation itself is damn painful but nothing beats the pain in knowing that I have to start living a life without you… for good.

This day could have been…

We will travel to a place we both haven’t been. Yet, you will act as my tour guide. Of course, you did your research prior the trip. We will spend our day under the sun. Every minute, you will ask me if I wanted something to eat. You know really well that my stomach crumples when empty. And in your bag is a first aid kit. You are also fully aware how clumsy I can get that walking around guarantees bruises, scratches and wounds.

And when the night comes… You and Me… Your arms around me… Your body close to mine…  Too close I can hear your heartbeat. So close you only need to whisper to my ears… Laughter fills the room… Love fills the air…

This could have been a perfect day… an early celebration for your birthday… See? I have long imagined how this day would be like.  

Today, I should have not gone to work. I should have not visited the gym. I should have not been on my bed wallowing in misery. But you know what? I just did. L

Spell H.U.R.T

A friend once told me this. During a fight, when girls are right, they are right. When girls are wrong, they are still right.

Given the circumstance that I am in right now, I envy the people around me. They asked me how long since bf and I last talked. I said more than one week. Looking at their expressions, I felt ashamed.

My male friends run after their girlfriends when they fight regardless of who started it. All my girl-friends wait for their bf to fix things before the day is over. They talk, talk and talk.

How come we fight, fight and fight?

How come I’m the one who begs for a conversation with him?

How come he seeks his friends’ company first before he can even think about me?

How come break up is his resolution instead of meeting halfway?

Spell HURT? M.E.

My “failed” fairy tale story

There was once a prince

who promised to love the princess

who swore never to make her cry

who vowed to make her happy

who pledged to keep her safe

who assured never to leave her.

But after almost 5 years,

why does the princess feel unloved?

why does she cry at night?

why does she forced her smile?

why does she feel unsecured?

why does she think she is alone?

Maybe the prince gets tired of her.

Maybe he no longer remembers his words.

Maybe he does not care anymore.

Maybe he finds a new princess.

Random Act of Kindness

Yesterday I was down and emotional. I met a friend in Starbucks. While at the counter,  the Barrista asked for my name and so I told him.

“Sorry, ano po ulit Maam?” he asked.  I said it again.

He surprisingly told me “Akala ko po kasi Ganda”.

I realized God is good. When things are falling apart, He never fails to give me reason to smile.

He did it again

My eyes are swollen. My heart is about to burst out of my chest. My head is pounding. My body is shaking. Oh yes, he did it again.

He is, (or should I say “was”) my first boyfriend. I call him “bf”. Bf is my highschool classmate. Currently, I work here in Manila while he works in the province. We see each other every other week. He is sweet, understanding and kind. He is God fearing and puts me in his priority. He is everything I waited for in 23 years. He is everything I prayed for. I always believe he is an answered prayer.

For 23 years, I curse the month of hearts. Things change when I learned this is also his birthday month.

Bf’s 24th birthday

In 2009, weekend before his birthday we decided to visit Antipolo Church. It was my first time there.

We had breakfast after mass and went back to Manila for lunch and a movie. So where is the surprise?  During that time, my family doesn’t know yet that I have a boyfriend. Incidentally, my sister texted me while we were watching a movie. I lied to bf telling him my sister wants to meet me. I told him I will just show up.

After the movie, he doesn’t know that I actually rushed to a bakeshop and bought him a cake. I ran back to him and I noticed he was holding back tears. He was frustrated perhaps that we had to go hiding. He glanced into my direction and was astonished to see me smiling. I gave him the cake and hugged him.

It has been our bad habit to tell each other that we were not surprised, although deep inside, we really are. I teased him how his jaw dropped when he saw me holding a cake. As expected, he protested. I knew I surprised him. I also knew I need to tell my family about “us”. He was turning 24 then.

Bf’s 25th birthday

The following year, his birthday fell on a Friday. We usually chat in the office so there’s no way I can keep whatever I was up to a secret. To get away with his prying eyes, I told him I am on training and I couldn’t be online then.

So around 2:00 pm, I called him.

“Happy Birthday!  I’m actually outside your building. Will you come and see me?”, I said.

 “Are you serious, you were on training, right?” he replied.

Everything was perfect. He introduced me to his officemates. Before he took me home, I asked him I need to buy him a cake. That’s when he started to get mad at me.

I insisted because birthday surprise isn’t complete without a cake. I knew I was being stubborn. He never talked to me on our way home. He did bring me home but left the cake I bought for him. It felt like he slapped me on my face. I cried all night.

Bf’s 26th birthday

The third time around, I did not learn my lesson. I had the same surprise in mind. Unfortunately, I was running late and he already left his office to go home. I spilled the beans and told him I was on the way. He just waited for me in the mall. I bought him a cake first so he can’t say “no” this time. When I gave it to him, he returned me with a sharp look. My heart stopped beating for a second. Would he reject me again? I was at the verge of crying when he accepted it, shaking his head in submission.

Bf’s 27th birthday

Last year was different. The day before his birthday, we went to Pampanga to watch Hot Air Balloon Festival. On our way back home, I told him I need to rest the next day (his actual birthday) since we are on the road for almost 18 hours already. I would just see him around 4 pm before I go back to Manila.

On his big day, his sisters accompanied me to buy something for lunch. We sneaked inside the house and prepared the food while he was inside his room. We tiptoed to ensure we didn’t make a sound. Unfortunately, his phone rang. The three of us froze. I heard his footsteps towards the door to answer the call. I heard him turn the knob.

The table was still a total mess. My heart sank. My surprise wasn’t ready yet. Drinks were still inside the plastic bag, cake in the box, ice cream in the refrigerator, food not yet served. Her sister who was pumping balloons gazed at me. The other one ran off in confusion. Our eyes met.

I helplessly say “Surprise, happy birthday…”. He walked passed me and went outside to answer the call and talked to his friend who was now waiting outside their gate. I got a bit frustrated.  I overheard his friend was inviting him to go somewhere.

Bf did not come with his friend. He went back to his room. I was quiet then. The three of us continued to set the table. He came out from his room in a few minutes and joined us finally. We ate together. It was wonderful. I wanted to believe I was successful but he would not just admit it to me.

Bf’s “supposed” 28th birthday surprise

This year, I want it to be extra special. He will be turning 28. Here’s the plan:

·         Part 1: Weekend get-away before his birthday.

·         Part 2: Surprise him on the day itself. I want to be the first person he will set his eyes upon. I will sneak to his room; wake him by my singing of happy birthday. He will blow his cake and we will eat breakfast together.

·         Part 3: When I go back to the office, I will tag him with a video presentation of our trips together.

So where am I in the plan?

Last November, I bought a travel voucher somewhere North. He is completely aware of this part. We set it this coming February 8, 2013. We both filed for a Vacation Leave on this day.

I asked a friend to teach me how to create a video in windows movie maker. It was almost finished. The song, photos, title and caption were done. I only need to edit the slide transitions.

I also texted the bus line to check their earliest trip. To be in his room before he is up is crucial. Food to bring comes handy as there is a 24/7 fast food available anywhere.

But sadly, all of these will not push through anymore.

What happened? Last January 25, we had a fight. I did not text him. He did not text me. Two days after, I received a text the he was tired of me. He was saying goodbye. I caught him online last February 1 and he told me he wasn’t going with me to our vacation destination anymore. I asked him if we can talk. He never replied to me. He did not call that night. He did not show up the following weekend. Up to now, I haven’t heard anything from him. I saw in facebook’s news feed that he will attend a “Red Cross” activity on a Sunday- day after the supposed getaway.

Part of me wants him, misses him, and loves him. I still want to surprise him. There are still 5 days left before our out of town plan and 9 days to go before his birthday. Never mind Valentines.

But the other part of me hates him. I feel betrayed. I feel rejected. My efforts mean nothing to him.

Maybe in my next blog, it will be good news, maybe not. I do not know what is going to happen. But one thing’s for sure, I am keeping this blog.